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'The Apprentice' Receptionist: Five Things She Is Really Doing on Excel

02/11/2015 14:29 GMT | Updated 01/11/2016 09:12 GMT

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The Apprentice is back on our screens in its rightful place in the autumnal television run, which means it's also time for the return of , the enigmatic televisual treat that is: The Apprentice Receptionist.

Every autumn, this mysterious woman appears, directs people to a boardroom and looks intently at a blurred out Excel spreadsheet. There are so many questions surrounding this enigma.

- How did she apply for such a job?

"Wanted: Female with sultry voice.

Desirable Skills: The ability to stare at prop spreadsheets for hours on end.

Essential Skills: Confident in delivering the line "Lord Sugar will see you now."

- Is this a temporary position?

- If this is a temporary position, does this mean The Apprentice Receptionist moonlights?

- What does The Apprentice Receptionist moonlight as?

But the most intriguing question of them all:

5. What IS she looking at on the open Excel spreadsheet?

After searching high and low for the answer, I have decided it can only be one of the following possible options...

Formulae guiding us to Nick and Margaret's secret underground bunker

Nick and Margaret both suspiciously left our screens one year after the other. The only possible explanation for this, is that Nick and Margaret are combining their business minds (and potentially bodies) to create a secret underground business world in preparation for an apocalypse. We can only assume that Nick and Margaret are in an underground bunker, like The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. The Apprentice Receptionist is the only person with the formulae to guide Lord Sugar to them, when it all goes tits up. The Apprentice Receptionist keeps the formulae handily in a cleverly disguised Excel Spreadsheet. Genius.

Data for a pie chart to show how many times she thought of revealing her true identity that day

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The Apprentice Receptionist is the biggest kept secret since The Stig, the answer to whether the moon landings were real, and other well-known conspiracy theories. Her identity is more secret than all of the secrets held within Cher's hair and Cliff Richard's closet combined. This conspiracy theorist believes there are high indications that her Excel spreadsheet shows how many times she felt like disclosing the truth to the world, peeling off her prosthetic face mask, and showing us that underneath it all she is, indeed, Ruth Badger (circa Season 1).

A table showing how many lies or hyperboles were told on each of the contestants' CVs

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We all know that The Apprentice applicants like to tszuj up their CV with outlandish claims. This theory suggests that after enduring hour upon hour of ephemeral chit-chat and hot air from the contestants in the waiting room, The Apprentice Receptionist has taken it as an opportunity to do some data cleansing for Alan. In between "Lord Sugar will see you now" and giving the latest fired candidate scathing looks as they weep in the holding area, she is collecting evidence of how many times the latest candidates lied on their CV, or said dickish things like "I've got better leadership skills than Kim Jong Il" or "they don't call me a business woman, they call me a bitchness woman- because I'm not afraid to speak my mind." Hopefully this collection of data will finally show Big Shugs that her face deserves to grace our television screens.

The spreadsheet is a cover for her rampantly watching Adele's video to 'Hello' over and over again

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This is quite an obvious one, and we have all done it at work, where she has opened an Excel Spreadsheet to cover up something more sensational. The Apprentice Receptionist may just be like one of us; where she has been incessantly been watching Adele's new video drop and thinking "if you're going to use a flip phone, go hard or go home". Or maybe "I wonder if I would look as fierce with a wind machine and faux fur?" There's only one way to find out...

https://youtu.be/YQHsXMglC9A

Or last but not least...

A tally of how many times Karen sassed applicants

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Karen is a 100%, legit Goddess. Although Margaret left big shoes to fill, Karen has been filling those shoes and her toes are dangling right over the edge, like a poorly fitted strappy sandal. Her sass is unequivocal and something easily idolised. The Apprentice Receptionist may well be keeping tabs and tallies of how many times Karen rightfully sasses applicants, and tore them a new one in the boardroom, to make the ultimate "sass-sheet".

Whatever The Apprentice Receptionist is up to, there's no denying she's a master of hiding it. In the meantime, we must keep guessing. Now excuse me whilst I set up a profile on Change.org in order to try and petition for her to reveal her true identity. If I was to take a wild stab in the dark, since she hasn't been up to much since the Activia ads were cruelly snatched from her by Gok Wan- I'm going with Martine McCutcheon. Answers on a postcard please.