When you think life can't get any worse try cutting your own fringe, you will soon realise it can.
I am bringing my wonky fringe to Soho Theatre this week in an attempt to protect my audience from a face that is *gasp* over 30. A face that is beginning to show it's age...
I have a poster for my show, sans fringe and in it I look a bit smug. Why smug? Because poster Tiffany knows that any fine lines, moustaches, spots and bags can be removed with the flick of an airbrush. I can't do that in life....I would erase all the dickheads I went out with in my twenties, bodysuits with poppers on them, my step/bowl haircut combo and any bad review ever written about me. Poster Tiffany has it made, apart from the fact she isn't airbrushed...she is just me but bigger. I've kept her real and it's important for the show. Take a look at other posters of comics, musicians, actors and spot the young, carefree faces whilst they walk around town actually haggard, windswept and hung over like a reverse Dorian Gray.
My show is about growing older and how you change your ideals, your politics and expectations. Women are led to believe that if you are over 30 you are some kind of perishable goods that could go off at any minute. In my bathroom cabinet now I have so many creams... one to get rid of wrinkles, one to get rid of bags, one to get rid of spots....I'm basically aiming for no face. Cosmetic companies are in the middle of an apocalyptic war around the 'signs' of ageing. Olay started with 7, now L'Oreal have 10. Not to mention actual signs ....on the road '30 slow down' on my washing machine 'not effective at 30'. In actuality my 30's have been my awakening, meeting the man of my dreams, doing a job that I love and a stronger sense of self than I have ever had...and I still have over half of them left. My twenties were an angsty, unsuccessful period in my life by comparison. So why would I want to be that girl again? Why can't we see the value in growing older? The ability to challenge ideas, know yourself better, accept less bullshit and make more money. More importantly why must women feel the need to try and stop the clock on their faces? Why must we carve ourselves up, make pillows of our faces and attempt to stop time with botulism? I am on a mission, like John Connor in Terminator. If I could I would send myself back in time and kill the first plastic surgeon, before he became self aware.
So my face on the poster celebrates me now, it may not be the most flattering image of me but it's me. After all what is comedy if it's not about embracing your flaws and quirks? There is a great quote in the Velveteen Rabbit that sums it up perfectly 'once you are real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand'
Uncomfortably Numb is at Soho Theatre 17-20 April
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