Anorexia mind ... slipping from reality
Here is just a small piece from my book Seconds To Snap to try and take you into the mind of someone struggling with this awful illness. At this point in my life I was sectioned into an adult acute psychiatric ward as a teenager...
My mind was still in a very strange place.
The guillotine episode was as real to me as anything I've seen and later, when I talked to Dr Bally about it, she said it was a hallucination brought on by exhaustion. Now, for the first time, I saw how far I had slipped from reality. Not just emotionally. My brain was actually tipping over into the point of insanity. It was a terrifying thought - I realised now how fragile my mind was. All this time I thought I was perfectly okay - and then in one second my mind had snapped. When had that change occurred? I flicked back through my memories to try and pin down when I had lost hold of reality. And the weird thing was, I didn't know.
The line between sane and insane was infinitely miniscule and I had clearly crossed it without ever realising.
But I tried to push this thought to the back of my mind as I focussed on getting better. Every day I managed a little bit more food, every day the scales were brought and my weight rose steadily.
Eventually, by November, I'd put on a stone, enough to allow a family visit. I felt a rush of happiness as they all came in to see me but I noted the scared looks in their eyes. I was still very fragile, I knew that, and my skin was paper-thin. They sat around my bed as I questioned them all about school and their lives- here, surrounded by my loved ones, I felt safe.
It became a feature of my world now, this safety that I craved. The comfort and the familiarity of the smells, sounds and routines. Each morning I woke to the scent of linen, soap and baby powder - it was a comforting smell. A smell that made me feel as if I was being cared for.
Tina McGuff - Seconds To Snap.
I hope by sharing this tiny piece it helps in some way.
There is hope of recovery and early intervention is key to this.
Please seek help - please reach out to someone if you feel they are in need. Sometimes that's all it takes.