06/04/2010 14:51 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 10:12 BST

Diary Of A 5-Year-Old: What About The Queen?

Sometimes I toot. My mummy says it's better to say break wind and that it's okay because everybody does it except The Queen. I've never heard my mummy toot but daddy says she does. Mummy says mummies don't toot, they fluff. I like doing it, it's funny but mummy says you should always say skooze me when you toot if other people hear you. Especially in the library or the waiting room at Dr. Thompsons.

When I have to toot I get tummy ache. What does The Queen do when she gets tummy ache? I think she must toot because if you don't toot when you have to, you pop. That's what Emily at kindergarten says. Maybe The Queen has a special tooting room so no one can hear her.

If it smells really bad you can run away or say someone else did it, like your brother or the dog. Maybe that's why the Queen has two Corgi dogs. My uncle always blames it on his dog but we all know it was him. I think The Queen should blame it on Prince Charles. I don't really like him. I bet he toots all the time.

My daddy says The Queen probably has a special person to toot for her, like a slave or something.

Grandad nearly always toots when he gets up from his chair and then he asks us if we heard that barking spider. Grandma always tuts and shakes her head at him but they have been married forever so she must be used to it by now.

Our cat toots a lot but you never hear it you just smell it. It's really horrible. Mummy says we should stop feeding her the tins with chicken liver.

I think I would toot if I had to eat chicken liver too.