11/10/2010 07:34 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

Achtung Baby Or I Hate Dentists

I'll just come right out and say it. Finje has, to date, not seen the inside of a dentist's surgery.

Sitting here I can imagine your horror stricken wide-eyed looks of disbelief, sharp intakes of breath and slow I'm-not-angry-just-disappointed head shakes. I'm not sure how well my defence will stand up. But here it is for what it's worth:

Her teeth look absolutely smashing to me.
(I hate dentists)
She brushes them twice a day under close supervision.
(I hate dentists)
She has been seen by a visiting kindergarten dentist who proclaimed her little fangs to be top notch.
(I hate dentists)
She has never complained of toothache and anyway they're only milk teeth and are going to fall out anyway!
Did I mention I'm not keen on dentists?

Okay, keep your underwear on. That bit about milk teeth? A joke.

As a parent you do your damnedest to protect your children from the realities of the world we live in. The time comes soon enough when they will discover for themselves that animals don't really speak, their dead fish didn't go to live with his friends in the ocean and that old chestnut, it doesn't matter if you win or lose it's how you play blah blah? Not true.

Unfortunately our planet is not encased in a big, pink, fluffy bubble but there are people out there who may want to hurt you.Then charge you so much for the privilege that you consider the sale of a kidney to pay the bill. I'm trying desperately here to come up with an example of such a fiend.

Oh yes, I know......dentists!

It's not the pain that worries me, (plueese I have given birth) it's the fact that they can tell you anything and you are forced to believe them. However, I am aware of course, that passing on my abhorrence would not win me any parenting prizes. Telling her that I would sooner spend time in a Russian Gulag that sit in that chair would be unacceptable. Therefore I do the mature, sensible thing and simply avoid talking about it. Of course when the occasion demands, I tell her her teeth will turn black and fall out if she eats too many sweets. It's worked so far.

I know I'll have to take her.

Is this my worst Mumfail to date?

Enjoyed this? You can read more award-winning Actung Baby columns.Watch this video of David at the Dentist.