04/03/2011 17:58 GMT | Updated 22/05/2015 10:12 BST

Strop Of The Week: Swan Of Satan And His Gay Partner

Swan, strop Strop Scene:

By an idyllic river that runs through our village. Home of the über-aggressive Swan of Satan and his Gay Bitchy Goose partner.

Strop Cause:

Forbidding of The Stropper to enact revenge on The Swan of Satan after he attempted to eat not only the bit of bread he had been thrown (so ungrateful) but the whole Stropper.

Much smaller Gay Bitchy Goose Partner mincing up behind him and throwing a hissy fit (literally) in support, whilst all the time hiding behind his far larger and frankly more impressive mate. The Stropper was both terrified and peeved. Bad combination.

Strop Symptoms:

Chucking down in disgust the stick which was evidently about to be used as as the weapon of retaliation. Lots of, "But he tried to bite me" and "But he's mean". Some bottom-lip-wobble action but more due to genuine fear I suspect than actual strop.

Insistence that Stropper only wished to scare Swan of Satan and Gay Bitchy Goose partner with no intent to maim almost had me relenting. Pulled myself together, however, muttering the mantra "stay consistent" under my breath.

Dismay Factor Percentage:

Low. Nobody around except an unfeasibly large cat who did nothing to help despite its size and the fact that it was a hunting machine.

Worst thing was I found myself saying "They can break your arm, you know, those swans"

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