09/04/2011 16:17 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 10:12 BST

The Totally Honest Guide To Choosing A Baby Name

Introducing our regular column in which we risk life, limb and our mothers never speaking to us ever again to debate honestly the relative merits and drawbacks of baby names. Topics include 'So you want him to be a fairground worker? Call him this' to 'Top 10 Sex Industry monikers and why they're not such a good idea'.

Call me a parenting novice, but it seems to me that when it comes to babies the three most important decisions that wannabe parents need to make are 1. Shall we have a baby, yes or no? 2. Will we let him / her watch Hannah Montana movies? 3. What shall we call our baby?

Yes, apparently babies need names, and in my experience of thinking about names for, oh, the eight weeks since finding out a sproglet is on the way (hopefully), I've found out that not only is it an important decision, it's also one that has more power to cause tension / hilarity amongst friends and family than a gobby drunken ex at a wedding.

Of course, the way you can get around this is to keep your baby name list a secret until the big reveal after the birth, when all you have to do is smile through gritted teeth when at least half the faces in the room take on the kind of expression normally elicited when the cat vomits a hairball. "Too late to debate it now, people!" you can cry. "We've been to Goa and had Roger / Ermintrude / Skylark Citroen Badger tattooed."

Along the way, you'll want some baby name ideas, and that's where this regular column comes in. Each week I'll be offering up some ideas, honest opinions, dishonest opinions for shock value (see if you can spot them) and involving you lot in a baby names love fest / barny, depending on what floats your boat.

They'll be no fancy schmancy baby-name generator, at least not yet. But there will be plenty of brutally honest comment for you to engage with. Between us, who knows, maybe we'll come up with the perfect humanoid names for guaranteeing future health, happiness and success, while making playground taunts and boy bands a thing of the past.

Coming soon: The most popular names and why you should avoid them.

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