20/05/2011 09:11 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

The Semi-Detached Parent: Things I Hate About Men

The Semi-Detached Parent: Things I hate about men PA

Last week, I listed all the good things about living without a man. This week, I feel I should probably make it clear I do actually like men. Very much (often too much after three glasses of Prosecco). I just don't like them in my house, touching my things. Or Dictating. Directing. Demanding.

But there are other things that really annoy me too; call me shallow, but I once had to ditch a suitor whose laugh embarrassed me SO much that in company I'd silently pray no one cracked a joke lest he let out his mortifying, high pitched whinny.

Then there was the guy who I adored until I walked behind him one day and noted a most unappealing gait; my mother would have referred to it as a flicky leg. Whatever the terminology, it was enough to make me call time on the relationship.

Flicky legs and silly laughs aside, I started making a list of all the things that put me off in a relationship. And because I don't want to totally take the flack for being a man hater/ball breaker/total bitch, I asked for contributions from all my friends (including a close gay pal). Here's what WE (please note the WE and don't shoot the messenger) came up with:

Nose picking
Smelly feet
Heavy drinking
Long fingernails
Dubious personal hygiene
Bad teeth
Bad shoes
Gag worthy aftershave
Wearing jewellery
Having beards/moustaches with bogeys/food stuck in them
Being too self conscious
Having no sense of humour
Being too nice
Having a high pitched voice
Laughing at unfunny jokes
Talking just about themselves
Bad table manners
White Y-fronts
Men who look other women up and down when you're out with them
Long hair in a pony tail
Nostrils. Huge, in your face nostrils
Weak eyebrows
Bad tattoos
Hairy backs, nostrils and ears
Men that hack up and spit
Those who leave your bathroom like a pub urinal
Men who grope like school boys
Men who giggle like girls
Fans of girly sports like ice skating and table tennis
Wearers of cheap shoes
Wearers of trainers or coloured shoes
Rubbish DIY skills
Liking only 'the early stuff' when it comes to music
Limp handshakes
Reading Jeffrey Archer or John Grisham novels
Reading 'girls' books
Constant tiredness and falling asleep
Dyed hair
The wearing of vests as outerwear
Going topless in public in the summer
Still following the same bands in their 30/40/50s that they did as teens - and with the same level of enthusiasm
Men who are comfortable in lingerie depts and try to talk knowledgeably about women's undies (spew inducing)
Men who use terms like 'panties' and 'titties'

(One of the best comments came from my friend Cath, who said:
"I have a friend who went off her boyf because of the shorts he wore on holiday."
I can SO relate to that.)

Any more for any more? Or are we just a load of man-hating old trogs?