31/05/2011 09:41 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

Surviving Teenagers Or Why I Need Earplugs

Surviving teenagers or Why I need earplugs Getty

There are two very good reasons why the house should be as silent as the grave. These are: a) exams are looming, so all teenagers should be studying, and b) teenagers spend most of their time asleep.

Life, however, does not follow predictable patterns. My house is as noisy as Waterloo station.
Firstly, this is the age of communication. You would think texting and Facebook-ing would be silent activities.

But no. Messages produce explosive reactions that reverberate all over the house. LOL, I should say.

You expect a bit of noise when someone's on the phone. But teenagers don't sit quietly in one place for their mobile updates. They wander all over the house. I'm making a cup of tea, and suddenly I've got half a conversation about Saturday night booming in my ear.

Then there's music. It comes attached to emails. It burst out of phones. It's on speakers wired to the PC. It is played, constantly. I'm amazed the kitten isn't deaf.

Lastly, there's the indisputable fact that teenagers, being suddenly enormous, bang, clatter and crash round the house. There's no genteel walking down the stairs. It's three at a time, swing round the banister and jump the last couple of feet.

The front door must be SLAMMED. Sibling wind-ups must be LOUD. If you don't know where someone is, YELL AT TOP VOLUME.

I know what you're going to say. You'll miss it when it stops. One day you'll be sitting there in your slippers and elasticated trousers in a house so quiet you can hear a spider think.

Until then, I'm wearing earplugs.