16/08/2011 14:39 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

The Rant: Decorative Pockets

Burberry autumn/winter 2011/12. Photo: PA

What on earth is the point of a decorative pocket?

Decorative pockets come in two flavours. One is the completely fake kind where a flap or a frill is attached to the garment to create the illusion of the top of the pocket without requiring anything as hideous as a home for loose change.

The person who adds a faux pocket to a dress is of the same breed as those strange interior decorators who put corbels on the walls of 1970s housing - what exactly are they supposed to be supporting? Upward architectural aspirations?

Oh - and in case you were wondering - this first type of decorative pocket is not the same as finding your pockets are sewn shut on new jackets and trousers. That just means you haven't worked out whether to open them or not. Hint: snip the threads and put yourself out of your misery.

The second flavour pretends to be a fully functional pocket but refuses to contain so much as an Oyster card without absolutely ruining the line of the garment.

Skinny jeans are particularly useless in this regard - fine so they're comfy and flattering but dare to put your phone in your pocket and suddenly you're nursing a BlackBerry shaped growth. And woe betide the woman who thinks she can conceal a new tampon in there as she sneaks off to the toilets.

Man don't seem to have this problem. They pack wallet, phone, keys, sandwiches, snowglobes and goodness knows what else into their trousers without any weird side-bulges. I suspect this might also be to do with the fact that as soon as a girlfriend or close female friend is nearby a lot of that paraphernalia somehow ends up in her handbag, but I digress.

I would absolutely love the chance to leave the house without toting a shoulder-busting handbag so can one of you bright up-and-coming designers please investigate the world of usable pockets?