18/11/2011 08:19 GMT | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

If Aliens Really Did Land, What Would They Say?

Apparently, aliens have landed in Russia (again)! According to the website Unexplained Mysteries, some time ago, a woman called Marta Yegorovnam went outside when she heard a crash. She was startled to see a UFO, obliterated next to her summer house and, from the burning wreckage, she pulled the body of a two-foot-long alien.

Then she did what anyone would do in her situation – she wrapped it in plastic, popped it in the freezer (on a shelf above some food in Tupperware boxes, by the looks of the photos) and kept it a secret for two years.

To be perfectly honest, I always find myself a little busy to ponder the universe and whether there is intelligent life out there (struggle to conclude there is intelligent life here sometimes). But while I love the reports that the 'authorities' (men from the Karelian Research Center of the Russian Academy of Sciences) turned up and 'confiscated' the body, and the thought they will spend weeks dissecting it only to announce it is indeed a big hunk of carved and slightly rotting water melon, I found myself thinking 'Ooh! What if it really is an alien!'

et Everyone's favourite alien, E.T. Photo: PA

How would the conversation go if we had an alien invasion right here in the UK, I wonder? *slips into daydream mode*

ALIEN: "We come in peace (probably). Who is your leader?"

UK: "Oh. er. Where is he? Does an alien invasion constitute a crisis would you say? Is he in Tuscany again? Oh no, here he is! This is our leader, David Cameron."

ALIEN: "This is your elected leader?"

UK: "Well, no not exactly..."

ALIEN: "And where are your young?"

UK: "Oh, they're probably at McDonald's getting a Happy Meal."

ALIEN: "A Happy Meal to make them happy?"

UK: "No, no, no. Nutritious food has the ability to do that, but nutritious food has become extortionately expensive, whereas a Happy Meal is cheap."

ALIEN: "What is 'cheap'?"

UK: "Oh, I mean affordable. See, four million of our children here live in poverty."

ALIEN: "But your world is plentiful, surely there is enough for everyone?"

UK: "Well, yeeees. But the trouble is, we live by this thing called 'capitalism'. It seems to have carved an immense and ever increasing canyon between the wealthy and the poor. It'd be good if we could tax the filthy rich a bit more, but they keep finding all these loopholes. Basically corporations like Tesco rule the world."

ALIEN: "Oh yes, we have a Tesco on Planet Tharg actually. But you educate all?"

UK: "Of course! Although to be honest the poor kids have a much slimmer chance of becoming what we consider 'successful' because they don't always get into good schools, and university could cripple them financially for their entire adult life. What we call 'social mobility' is somewhat difficult."

ALIEN: "Human beings have aspirations, though? Dreams?"

UK: "Yes. They want to own an iPhone 4s. And they want to be rich and famous so they can be adored by the masses, irrelevant of their skills or achievements, like the stars of MIC and TOWIE."


UK: "The Only Way is Essex."

ALIEN: "What?"

UK: "Never mind."

ALIEN: "Oh. Who is your deity?"

UK: "Does he mean Gary Barlow? Oh, I see. Well, we are multi-ethnic here. Everyone believes in something different, or nothing at all – which would be fine except that all the varying opinions cause wars, vendettas and discrimination."

ALIEN: "Discrimination?"

UK: "Yes, we prefer to reward people who 'fit into a box' as it were. You know – young, able bodied, heterosexual, good-looking, nice teeth. You wouldn't do too well here looking like that to be honest."

ALIEN: "Alright, I'm no looker on your planet – but surely you honour and respect your elders?"

UK: "Er...well..."

ALIEN: "And humans are sociable creatures?"

UK: "Oh yes, absolutely! Are you on Facebook? I could 'friend' you."

ALIEN: "Why does everyone always talk about the weather?"

UK: "Because it's rubbish. It's why we endure EasyJet, so we can get to Greece."

ALIEN: "It is a bit cold actually. Could you put the heating on?"

UK: "Not likely! Have you how much we are being charged for fuel these days?"

ALIEN: "Perhaps I should go to Greece?"

UK: "Oh no, I wouldn't do that. Everyone is Greece is a bit, um, angry."

ALIEN: "Angry?"

UK: "Mmm. It's the latest country to be walloped by the Eurozone crisis. Everyone in Europe's a bit angry really. The silly old banks have caused a massive recession – and now all the little people are trying to cope with rising unemployment and an ever increasing cost of living. We're all secretly counting on China to help sort it all out, but..."

ALIEN: "Hmm?"

UK: "Well, it looks like even China's banks might be a bit wobbly now, so..."

ALIEN: "Yes...?"

UK: "Some people have been suggesting if China can't help, our only hope is, you know...

ALIEN: "What?"

UK: "Aliens!"

ALIEN: "Oh, um..."

UK: "Have you got any money?"

ALIEN: "You know, I think I might have left the oven on. May your garybarlow be with yoooooou...."

Yeh, as far as alien invasions go, I think we'll probably be alright.