20/11/2011 11:43 GMT | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

The Semi-Detached Parent: 20 Reasons Why I Am STILL Single

One of the reasons I am single - I like texting PA

I told a friend how my dog sleeps in my (OUR) bed, adding "this is why I am still single." So that's one reason admitted to. Here's the others:

I like my own space - while I could do a relationship, I could never again live with anyone or EVER contemplate the M word. *shudders*

I like EXCITEMENT. Experience tells me this ends in a "relationship" after a year or once you are comfortable with breaking wind in front of each other.

I like wearing my pyjamas all day if I am not going out. The favoured pair have Scottie dogs on. Men are generally outraged by the wanton slovenliness and cosiness of this.

I like reading. An ex told me this was a "selfish, solitary activity" (I had the temerity to be indulging in this perverse pastime on HOLIDAY). His words have made me wary of reading in front of men ever since.

I like to wear face masks made from a thick layer of Sudocrem. Sudocrem is most commonly used for trowelling on babies' bums. Men know this. Me putting it on my face disturbs them or perhaps makes them think I am trying to send our subliminal "impregnate me" signals.

I wee with the bathroom door open. Sorry but I do. Mainly so I can still hear the phone or door knocker.

I like to sleep with the windows open on even the coldest nights. I have always enjoyed this, but since I've had my dog, it's prudent because of her incessant nocturnal farting.

On weekends when my son is home, we take our laptops to my bed on a Saturday night and play games or watch silly videos. Or we spend the entire evening in the dining room playing Scrabble. This is special to us. Three would be a crowd.

I like to wander around with no clothes on. Some men would perhaps like this. I, however, prefer to be able to bend down into a cupboard without fearing what I might reveal.

The child comes first. Then the dog. Sometimes the dog comes before the child on account of the fact is is undeniably cuter and does not answer back. Men are suspicious of women who put dogs (or cats - MORE SO cats) before Real People.

I have a low tolerance level for discarded socks.

I like to eat in the bath.

I could never again entertain the idea of living in a house where I had to take other people's interior design ideas into consideration. Why would I when I can live alone and decorate my rooms with peacock feathers and broken shop mannequins?

I like going out and flirting outrageously with men. Men do not seem to like their partner's doing this. Spoilsports.

I do not want to have anyone around to tempt me into asking the "does my bum look big in this?" question. My bum is big. It looks big in everything. Similarly, I do not need anyone to tell me I look "fine" or to ask me what I'm "getting dressed up for, anyway?"

I like dancing in the kitchen to Johnny Cash. Again, this is something best enjoyed as a single person.

I like going on very long solitary walks. If a would-be partner/boyfriend gets wind of this, they want to join in, considering it a "romantic" thing to do. My lovely long solitary walks then become blighted by another person's chatter, blisters, and hourly wee/drink/sandwich stops.

I like to text. A lot. My phone going off means everything else must stop. Even at the dinner table. In a relationship, I believe this is called "rudeness".

I would definitely stop "in the act" to answer my phone. No question. It could be an emergency relating to the dog, er, I mean my child.

So, why are YOU single?