24/01/2012 13:36 GMT | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

Latest Beauty Trend Involves Feathers And Fox Fur On Your Lady Bits

Latest beauty trend involves feathers and fox fur on your lady bits Will self-proclaimed Vajazzle Queen Amy Childs be taking on the trend? Photo: PA

Two new intimate beauty treatments on the market are aiming to topple the vajazzle in the 'sticking things on your lady parts' stakes. US hair removal specialists Completely Bare are now offering the Foxy Bikini and the Carnivale Bikini to their clients with the former adding fox fur to the area and the latter involving 'trendy feathers'.

I can't work out if this is an entirely media-generated 'trend' or whether actual factual people are indulging in this vaginal redecoration but I have a few questions.

1. Regarding the Foxy Bikini, why on earth would you spend time and money yanking hair from your nether regions only to pay someone to glue the hair of another animal to the same place? It's like shaving your head just so you can wear a wig that falls off after three days.

2. Again regarding the Foxy Bikini, the picture on the website shows a tuft of pink rising from the pelvis. It's like the woman is indulging in some hilariously inappropriate behaviour with a troll doll.

3. Of all the reasons people have given over the years for skinning animals, sticking small amounts of their fur to your crotch is a strong competitor for the title of 'Least Convincing'.

4. Furthermore the fox fur looks more like marabou and is likely to tickle the nose of any man or woman fool enough to fancy investigating. Sneezy oral sex is about as un-erotic as it gets.

5. Regarding the Carnivale Bikini, the 'trendy' feathers (really? there are trendy feathers?) look like they fell off a child's craft table.

6. The trendy feathers actually come up quite high so if your top rides up then friends, colleagues and strangers will assume you have an exotic and tasteless bird shoved down your knickers.

7. Oh, it's just hideous.

So yeah, basically there seems to be some kind of beauty trend for scraping glitter, feathers, rhinestones and God knows what off the floor of a nursery school's craft corner and attaching it to a grown woman's sexy bits.

We're speaking out about it now because if we don't we're looking at salons offering up a Googly Eye bikini treatment or pritt-sticking some pasta shapes to your labia and spray painting the whole thing gold.

Ladies, just say no.