Rex
The thing about having children – and going through pregnancy – is that you find yourself doing some really rather odd things. Well, at least I do.
Last week, for some reason, my first son and I gathered in close round the now ballooning bump singing 'Oranges and Lemons' to his Royal Roundness. Apparently, hearing music in the womb makes babies smarter.
Given the quality of our crooning I expect he'll simply be put off music for life, especially since my son was using an old cardboard tube placed against his unborn brother's hideout to amplify the sound of his already very loud voice.
And anyway, according to research, it's reckoned to be only classical music that can boost IQ levels not the sort of screechy ditties we've been belting out.
I've tried playing our unborn son our favourite Pink Floyd albums. But rather than help him turn into a child prodigy I think those might ensure he comes out all ready to be a moody teenager with a preference for black baby grows.
This is not the only thing that you're supposed to do to make your child smarter before they even enter the world.
I've tried talking to baby too, as experts in child development suggest. But that ends up being not much more than, "Hello, how are you?" like I expect him to answer.
You're also supposed to read to them. But since it has taken me about six months to get through one Charles Dickens novel, getting out some weighty tome like Proust and spending my evenings reading it to my wife's tummy just isn't going to happen.
Which brings me to the other bit of intimacy dads are supposed to share during pregnancy...feeling the baby's kicks. This is supposed to be magical. Not to me.
It's probably heresy to say so but there's something just a little bit creepy about it all if I'm honest. And I don't reckon I'm the only dad who thinks this, though perhaps I've just watched too many horror movies.
However there is a piece of research about how to increase your baby's brain power that I can definitely join in with and now that I've discovered am planning to subscribe to with gusto.
Because scientists at the University of North Carolina in the US suggest that eating the odd plate of bacon and eggs could help pregnant women boost their little one's intelligence in the womb. It's thought that a chemical in pork and eggs called choline helps the baby's growing brain to develop.
Given that, according to current medical advice, my wife can't have half the other stuff she likes, like a really nice hot bath, this one seems a no brainer.
Of course, it won't help her fit into any of her clothes any better. Frankly she's not big on maternity wear, which tends to be pretty unflattering. I'm trying to assure her that she still looks good though. After all my clothes have never looked like they've fitted me and I'm not even pregnant. She looks a lot less like her clothes have blown off someone else's washing line on to her than I do.
Meanwhile, to add to my wife's varicose veins she's now had bouts of low blood pressure as she nears the third trimester – which means she feels like she's going to faint half the time.
I had to rush back from a work meeting the other day because, understandably, she didn't want to be alone looking after our first son if she suddenly hit the deck.
Fortunately I've managed to raise her blood pressure again with my fussing about the place – so that's OK then.
Right, time to do my bit for the new arrival by cooking up another greasy spoon.
Catch up on previous pregnancy dispatches from our dad here.