Is there such a thing as the "silly season"? The transfer window's not even ajar but already we have a candidate for most outlandish rumour of 2012.
Two plus two equals five an awful lot in football, and that applies to even billionaires. The Daily Telegraph report Roman Abramovich will offer Real Madrid (first in La Liga, great chance of Champions League success) £80m to lure Cristiano Ronaldo and Gonzalo Higuain to Chelsea (fifth, moderate chance of Champions League success). And throw into that £58.5m for Napoli duo Edinson Cavani and Ezequiel Lavezzi, and the delusion has entered into another stratosphere.
Ronaldo became the fastest player to score 100 goals in La Liga at the weekend and cost £80m less than three years ago, whereas Higuain won't be cheap (think £25m). So the second best player in the world has fallen as cheap as £55m? That's £5m more than Fernando Torres. And won't Roman think of Frank Lampard?
A Petr Cech throw away, and Fulham's swaggering season may not move on to bigger and better things after manager Martin Jol revealed he may have to sell the club's best players, although he is adamant he can find the right personnel to replace them, say the Daily Mirror.
PSV Eindhoven winger Dries Mertens has seen Kenny Dalglish's roll call of transfer recruits and is set to snub interest from Liverpool and head to Bayern Munich instead, says The Sun. Fear of being bracketed with Jordan Henderson, Charlie Adam and Stewart Downing - as well as Champions League football in Bavaria - are possible motives.
The Mirror meanwhile say Swansea winger Scott Sinclair has pledged his future to the club despite purported interest from Anfield.
James Ducker, The Times' friend in the north, reports that Rio Ferdinand will be offered a new contract at Manchester United. His current deal ends in June 2013, but the England international seems to have overcome his sicknote stigma and has been invaluable to the United defence in captain Nemanja Vidic's absence.
Almost every newspaper this morning is running with Sir Alex Ferguson's programme notes for United's fixture with Fulham, where he admits it is "more important" the Reds win the league with their city rivals their main challengers.
Fabrice Muamba watched Bolton defeat Blackburn Rovers from his hospital bed on Saturday, claim the Mirror.
Finally Glenn Hoddle, a fine England coach, tells Paddy Barclay in The Independent he is ready to be the Three Lions' caretaker coach for Euro 2012.