When 59-year-old Utah man Val Patterson passed away, his family and friends didn't just have to deal with his death - but also the amazing things he confessed to in his self-penned obituary.
As The Huffington Post reports, Patterson died of throat cancer on 10 July, but wrote his obituary last autumn. It was then published in the Salt Lake Tribune, reports KSL-TV - and while it begins quite normally, detailing his passion for science and love for his wife, after the first paragraph, it takes a surprising turn.
"I AM the guy who stole the safe from View Drive Inn back in June, 1971," reveals Patterson - before also telling the world that his PhD from the University of Utah wasn't legitimate. In reality, he'd not even obtained an undergraduate degree, and "never did even learn what the letters 'PhD' even stood for."
The list of shenanigans went on and on. Patterson addressed an unnamed "really mean Park ranger," confessing that he did indeed fill the park's geyser with rocks. He also claimed to have been "banned for life" from both Disneyland and Sea World San Diego, though he didn't specify why.
But it wasn't all nasty shocks. Patterson wrote at length on his "inseparable" bond with his wife Mary Jane, and on the satisfaction of living a full life.
"I enjoyed one good life," Patterson wrote, "[I] travelled to every place on earth that I ever wanted to go. Had every job that I wanted to have. Learned all that I wanted to learn. Fixed everything I wanted to fix. Eaten everything I wanted to eat."
He said that his only real regret was smoking cigarettes, which ultimately led to his throat cancer. "My pain is enormous," he wrote, "but it pales in comparison to watching my wife feel my pain as she lovingly cares for and comforts me."
Patterson's 'Condolences' page on the Starks Funeral Home website is filled with comments not only from his family and friends, but also from total strangers who were moved by his hilarious and honest obituary.
"I didn't know Val," wrote Arlene Navo of Texas, "But this is the best obituary I've ever read. It made me laugh, it made me cry, and it made me appreciate my life and all the opportunity that it offers a bit more . . . Thank you."
Whether or not they knew him, Patterson's readers are left with one solid piece of advice: "If you want to live forever, then don't stop breathing, like I did."