'Arm All Teachers With Flapjacks,' Say Campaigners


A backlash against flapjacks - also known as a 'flaplash' - has led to triangular versions of the snack being banned at the school as a result.

But while some anti-flapjack campaigners think that the measure doesn't go far enough, others are saying that teachers should be armed with flapjacks in order to defend themselves against such attacks.

"Flapjacks don't kill people. People kill people," said Charlton Peston, chair of the powerful pro-flapjack lobby the PFA, which is backed by corporations such as Lyle's and Quaker. "We need teachers to be armed, dinner ladies to be armed, everyone to be armed. With flapjacks. Especially at lunchtime."

And while one anti-flapjack campaigner conceded to us that "most people who consume flapjacks are normal, well-adjusted citizens who use their flapjacks mainly for hunting - they leave them out in woods as bait for animals," many believe that the problem needs to be tackled on multiple fronts.

"For a start, there's a huge flapjack culture in our inner cities," says one. "All the kids think it's cool to have one. And then eat it.

"Plus, it's far too easy to access the ingredients, without which the flapjacks are useless. I bought some oats the other day - and Holland & Barrett didn't even ask me for ID or do a background check."

Others say that it's semi-automatic flapjacks that are the real problem.

"Anyone can walk into a newsagent or health food shop and buy a whole packet of them," one campaigner told us. "Who needs to eat six flapjacks that quickly?! It's madness. "

The chances of anything changing in the short term, however, are slim. "Whether we like it or not, flapjacks are part of our culture," admitted a campaigner. "Loads of British kids grow up with them in their homes.

"Added to which, the pro-flapjack lobby is extremely powerful. Charlton Peston says we'll have to pry his flapjack out of his cold, dead hands. I have to admit that's sorely tempting."

Weird things banned from school

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