11/07/2013 16:28 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

Five Reasons Why Being On A Diet Forever Would Suck

Samantha Brick - the woman seemingly intent on becoming every other woman's worst enemy - has written an article for the Daily Mail claiming females who want to be attractive and successful must spend their life on a diet like her. Sigh.

Well, sorry Samantha but that would completely suck all the fun out of everything. And here's why:

samantha brick diet daily mail

1. You know those impromptu trips to Pizza Express with mates when you get ravenously hungry post copious amounts of afterwork wine? They would have to stop. Because you wouldn't be in the pub having the good times, you'd be at home. Steaming vegetables.

2. Birthdays would be miserable. You'd be all like, "Look, I'm not a cake person - just hold a candle over a yummy carrot and let's be done with it". Friends who were fans of Great British Bake-Off (so that's everyone then) would mysteriously stop calling, offended by your curious rejection of celebratory sponge. Eventually, it would just be you and the carrot.

3. Love running/zumba/spinning/anything that involves exertion? Bad news, you're on a diet forever and can't be arsed anymore.

4. No more red wine. Or tequila. Or genuinely thinking you can dance like Beyonce when you're in the club. Booze is fattening so you'd be sober and painfully aware of the fact you're crap at the 'Single Ladies' dance *throws self on floor, sobs*.

5. No one likes anyone who bangs on about abstaining from things. Think about it. Remember that friend who gave up chocolate/booze/carbs for Lent? How annoying were they! Hideous combination of smug and starved. Look at Gwyneth Paltrow - everyone HATES her for being all self-denying. It would be like that except you wouldn't have an exponential level of celebrity to comfort yourself with. Brutal.