11/07/2013 20:25 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 10:12 BST

Made In Chelsea: It's Back - And Spenny's Got Beef With, Like, EVERYONE

Spencer's doing his best impression of Al Pacino but the result is more Madge from Neighbours in a bad mood than Godfather, says Will Gore

Scripted reality. Structured reality. Reality so mind-numbingly tedious it makes you want to stab yourself in the face.

But however you choose to describe Made in Chelsea, one thing is for certain, this kind of TV Neverland must be a strange world to live in.

spencer matthews

As the fifth series of MIC got underway, it soon became clear that everyone had sooo much catching up to do.

None of these supposedly great friends seemed to have seen or spoken to one another since the end of the last series when Spencer's smug face got a well-deserved slap from Millie for cheating on her pal, Louise. We should just be grateful then that the cameras are rolling again so life in this rarefied part of west London can begin again.

The only cast members that had apparently spent any time with one other since the credits rolled before Christmas were - surprise, surprise - Spencer and Louise. Despite the revelations about Spencer's philandering, Louise had taken him back, the poor sap. Millie and Rosie weren't happy and the question was raised, "Is she embarrassed to be going out with him?"

In a sane and just world, the only possible response to this would be a resounding "yes". Sadly, the fact that MIC is even on telly and more than three people watch it proves definitively that we don't live in sane and just world.

So, no, Louise was not embarrassed to be back with Spencer at all. If you turned down the volume for just a second, you'd have heard Jesus weeping.

While the girls were united in their dislike for Spencer, the lads weren't so sure. By the lads I mean, of course, Proudlock (half boy, half earring) and Jamie, a man-child still struggling to get to grips with words of more than one syllable.

They had to decide whether to commit to their plan of living with Francis, a decision that would mean they'd be ditching their old mate Spencer.

Francis, you see, was the one who blew the whistle on Spencer's cheating. As a result, he was none too popular with Chelsea's answer to David Wicks. "Francis is the definition of a bell end," said the man who is, coincidentally, many people's definition of a bell end. Like fidelity, self-awareness is not one of Spencer's strongest suits.

To prove the point further, he kept on challenging Jamie and Proudlock to choose between Francis and himself. Faced with the option of Spencer or almost anything else in the world (electro-shock therapy, a stint in Guantanamo), I would almost certainly not choose Spencer. Turns out Jamie and Proudlock had exactly the same idea.

Then, towards the end of the first episode, Spencer and Francis came face to face.

It was tense. Like that bit in Heat when Pacino and De Niro locked horns. Or that time in Neighbours when Mrs Mangel and Madge finally squared off.

The confrontation ended with Spencer doing his best Godfather impression, bless him, in attempt to put the frighteners on Francis. He was not happy at being "ratted out", so left his enemy with the chilling, if slightly odd, warning: "Keep your ear to the ground." Hopefully, as the series unfolds we'll get plenty more of Spencer channelling De Niro. Or should I say Madge...

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