11/07/2013 15:07 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

R-Pattz And The Beard Of Infinite Sadness

robert pattinson

It's been a tough time for Robert Pattinson of late - well, we assume it's been tough - we don't really have any experience of a relationship imploding in full view of the world's media but we're taking an educated guess and it's at least PARTLY based on the current facial hair situation.

[The scene opens in a hotel room in New York]

Publicist: Rob - rise and shine! It's time for the NYC Cosmopolis premiere...

Robert Pattinson: UGH

[R-Pattz rolls over on bed and puts his arm in a plate of toast the publicist had previously left nearby because of the HEALING POWER OF CARBS]

Publicist: I'll get a cloth.

R-Pattz: UGH

Publicist: Here's your suit. It is blue as requested.

R-Pattz: Blue like me and my soul. OH GOD.

Publicist: And I brought a razor so you could...

R-Pattz: The beard stays. It is my BEARD OF INFINITE SADNESS and I will shave when it is time to remove my woes.

Publicist: Uh huh. Look, just be at the Museum of Modern Art tonight and try not to say any of those things out loud.

R-Pattz: UGH.