11/07/2013 20:13 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 10:12 BST

The Only Way Is Essex: LuRio (That's Lucy And Mario) Is Back On!

Did Mario cheat? Is it all lies? Will Gore doesn't trust him one bit and is hopeful he never sings any Spice Girls song to Lucy ever again...

If the last couple of episodes of Towie have been a drag for Lucy, left distraught by Mario-related woes, that's nothing compared to the misery doled out to the loyal viewers subjected to her monotonous bleating.


I was beginning to worry that she was being held hostage in her kitchen due to the fact that this is the only place we've seen her recently. There she's sat, in her pajamas sans make up, whining away to anyone dumb enough to listen about Mario and whether he cheated on her with one of those twins whose names nobody can remember.

So it's with some relief that I can report Lucy escaped her kitchen and rediscovered her lippy just in time for last night's episode. This was also to be the night when she took Mario back – a turn of events only marginally less surprising than the news Gemma had broken her diet to scoff a kebab and a fry-up.

After her two episodes of torment, how on earth was Lucy persuaded that Mario hadn't done the dirty on her? It went like this. Mario had talked a Mancunian barmaid into driving down to Essex, meeting up with Lucy and vouching for him. Just like that, she took the word of this random stranger at face value and MarCy (or is that LuRio?) was back on.

Perhaps Mario really is innocent, who knows? All I will say is that, like Paul Robinson in Neighbours, no matter what he says or does I will always struggle to trust him. Mario could start volunteering in a hospice and I'd still suspect an ulterior motive. Even if he didn't do the deed, Lucy should have dumped him on the spot anyway for the way he sang the Spice Girls' 2 Become 1 at her. It was beyond creepy and haunted my dreams.

Away from the most tedious love story ever told, the majority of the gang got together to do the Essex Shake (just like the Harlem Shake, except this version won't be catching on anytime soon), Joey showed Sam some pictures of himself when he was a kid just to prove his haircut was as bad then as it is now, and the diet club splashed their way through some aqua aerobics.

aqua zumba 2

I suspect also that the RSPCA will be on ITVs case about the scene in which Jess took her dog to be kitted out in a God-awful purple puffa jacket and matching bow. The poor mutt had an expression on her face that screamed 'put me down RIGHT now'. If there's any justice, she'll be in protective custody by the time you're reading these words.

Across town Diags looked ready for the lethal injection too after Tom P laid it on the line about his mate's job prospects. Diags had just opened up about his dream of becoming a cheese entrepreneur, known to all and sundry as Mr Cheese. Unfortunately Tom gave him the unpasteurised truth: "You've got cheesy breath and cheesy teeth, but you're not Mr Cheese." "Ouch," replied Diags, forlornly. It was a moving moment to be sure, but I still felt more sorry for the dog.

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