17/07/2013 12:50 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

Ten Signs You Need To Dump Your Boyfriend

Breaking up is hard to do so how do you know when it's definitely time to give up the ghost? Alexandra Jones lists the 10 signs that show you should send him packing...

1. He calls you "mate" during sex. Personally, I don't mind my boyfriend calling me "mate" on a day-to-day basis. The moment it creeps into the bedroom, I'll know the spark has vanished.

2. You've negotiated terms which allow you both to shag other people, based on postcode, levels of drunkenness, time of day <insert other lame reasoning >. Unless you're in a French film, it doesn't work. And any kind of cheating leaves your relationship like R-Patz after the news of K-Stew's affair broke: sad and droopy with questionable facial hair and a severely damaged sense of style. Best to get out before it gets to that stage.

3. He's named your boobs after WWE wrestlers. You're going out with a man-child.

4. He won't stop going on about having a threesome. Don't even entertain this one if you're not into it because before you know it, you're snogging a stranger whilst the boyf beats off in the corner. A simple 'not for me' should be enough and if it isn't, he's ripe for a dumping.

5. He reminds you of aka the creepiest man ever *shudders*.

6. You keep in touch mainly via text because you're both really "busy" at the moment. Every time you're about to say it, replace the phrase "I don't have time" with "it's not my priority right now". It'll put everything into perspective.

7. Your fights have gone from little spats that ended in some impassioned snogging to all-out-Armageddon. He called your mum a nosey bitch; you threw a bowl of Ainsley Harriott Moroccan Medley Cous Cous at him. Remember, violence is never the answer. Just dump him.

8. He keeps using your toothbrush. Or is this just me? It's really gross.

9. He calls sex "the no pants dance" and not in an ironic way.

10. Extreme tightness. Dump him if he ever utters the phrase "I've made you lasagne with liver because it was cheaper than beef mince". Trust me, nothing good ever came from liver lasagne.