Bale watch. The mood is tense; I have been on some serious, serious reports but nothing quite like this. I uh... Gary... Gareth is inside right now. I tried to get an interview with him, but they said no, you can't do that he's a live target, he will literally rip your face off.
So what's occurring today in the world of Gareth Bale gossip?
Tottenham chairman Daniel Levy values the Welshman at a "staggering" £125m, say the Sun. That's £45 million more than Cristiano Ronaldo's world record fee, set by Real Madrid, in 2009.
Like Ronaldo then, Bale is 24 now. Unlike Ronaldo, he has won nothing, has not been consistently great season after season and is not a Ballon d'Or winner. This is Levy logic.
Alternatively, the Standard say Levy hopes his demands of £100m in cash will ward off Madrid.
Now for a bit of turmoil, which is how the Mail describe Bale's future after it emerged he does not want to hand in a transfer request, as it might ruin his relationship with Spurs supporters.
Zinedine Zidane, one-time busy player, full-time busy bugger, has demanded Tottenham let Bale hold talks with Madrid.
No, Zizou does not write for Marca, but he is Real's sporting director.
Tottenham want Luka Modrić as part of any Bale-Madrid deal, though it is unlikely Modrić will want to return to White Hart Lane with his tail flapping between his legs.
Thanks for that, Ian.
And should Bale depart for the Spanish capital, Spurs could move for Arsenal target Luis Suárez
Hey, you're making me look stupid. Get out here, Bale jerk.