19/12/2013 23:58 GMT | Updated 22/05/2015 10:12 BST

Pointless Presents At Christmas

In a bun dance

Apparently you can - and people do - buy their dogs cashmere snoods* at £50 each as a Christmas present.**

Seemingly, it's the thought that counts.

As far as I can see the only thing this counts for is proof that we're off to hell (or thereabouts) in a handcart. The only mercy being that Rover won't get a chilly neck en route.

You know the Band Aid ditty from a few decades back Do They Know It's Christmas? Well dogs don't ever know it's Christmas on account of being dogs and unable to grasp many of the necessary concepts such as Christianity, calendars and the giving and receiving of gifts. They might be pretty hot on the giving and receiving of sticks, but as soon as you employ wrapping paper and an element of surprise, disaster is unlikely to be far away.

Even if you suspend disapproval of anthropomorphism for a while, it is Christmas after all, then why spend £50 on a garment that brings the animal no actual benefit, what with them not actually giving a toss how they look.

Furthermore, cashmere. Doubtless hand wash only.

Laundry considerations aside, if you have a spare 50 quid and a dog, for the love of Lassie, give the money to charity or something. Anything would be better than buying a useless accessory for an unappreciative animal.

*A snood belongs in the category of much derided but actually quite useful items along with culottes and all-in-one ski suits. It is essentially a scarf with the ends sewn together.

**The Department of Spurious Statistics says people spend more on pressies for their pets than their lovers.

Journalist, writer, blogger, mother, wife and, occasionally, whole person - also interested in food, fashion, feminism and folk music (less the last one but the alliteration works)

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