14/08/2014 16:31 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 10:12 BST

Five Ways To Get Good Summer Sex

If you like sex, summer's your time, friend. Here's how to get some while we've got all these hot extra hours of daylight. And listen, make the most of it - if this was November, you'd be crying and eating mince.

Five Ways To Have Hot Summer Sex

1. Go to the pub. It sounds obvious but let me give you a step by step guide of how this results in shagging.
1)You walk out of work.
2)You love the feeling of vitamin D.
3)The fact it's not dark til 11pm fills you with dare.
4)You pop into the bar where your friends are.
5)There are people you don't know there.
6)You meet those people.
7)You sleep with those people.
8) Then you throw them out...
9)...and get another one of those people.

Don't actually do this, not because I have anything against it, but because it would be irresponsible (do it) for me to say (do it) that you should (do it) do it.

2. Avoid BBQ's. They're the nemesis of summer sex. Good places if you've got a fetish for people who are related to your workmates but it's not as socially acceptable to leave with one of them on the spur of the moment. Also, all that charcoally, crumbly burger meat isn't going to make to feel like a pulling your knickers to the side.

3. Embrace summer clothes. Look, me and my perma-black skinny jeans know how hard this can be, but summer clothes can be alright because they work both ways.

a)They give you a chance to identify men who can choose an appropriate pair of shorts which, by the way, shows integrity.

b)I also like being able to see forearms and calves as much as I want without having to Google Image them.

4. Be sweaty. It means things are going so well, they've got steamy. Whoever you've snared isn't noticing you only shaved your shins or your fake tan's a bit shit. There's a reason why no one's matte in porn good cinematic sex scenes.

5. Don't be too upset when it's over. What followed the heatwave was a thunderstorm, loud enough to wake me up from an incredible hangover and confusing enough for me to shout "shut up" into the rain. "Well, that's summer over again for another year!" I said to no one like an idiot. Then I realised torrential rain is still hot. It's nice to know I can get turned on by bad weather enough to booty call someone on a Tuesday morning.

So, what have we learnt? Basically, if you like sex, you can convince yourself any weather is amazing.

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