14/08/2014 12:35 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

How To Prepare For A First Date With A Guy You Meet Online

This week I've now got a good grasp on what the online dating world entails - loads of idiots. Some of the worst misogynistic, sexist losers have gravitated towards my online profile to tell me in not so many words that I'm a worthless, throw away woman.

Phrases like "girls like you" or saying that if I was going to chat to them I had to stop talking to anyone else (seriously, this was message number one). I made it policy to answer all obnoxious emails with the response: "I'm glad you found me, I was trying to find you - I think you're my real dad."

I was about to give up on the whole thing. That was until the handsome, confident, American man who has an impressive range of "favourite books" in comparison to my one (The Tiger Who Came to Tea).

I'm meeting him this week but before I judge a book too much by its cover, I'm going to keep my wits about me. As it's my first date with someone I've met online, I'll go and since you're coming along with me, what do we have to bear in mind before you meet someone off the internet?

Not everyone is out to kill you
But it does happen. Sorry! This is a horrible opening point but there's nothing wrong with being safe. Don't be afraid to meet someone just because you've seen one too many horror films but do trust your gut. I'm not going to go on a date with the guy who invited me round to his house, for example. Tell someone where you're going, who you're going with. I once took a Stanley knife on a date by accident. Once I realised it was there I felt safe but then it dawned on me that I was the lunatic who brought a weapon to a restaurant. Tip 1: I don't think you should knife your date.

Choose your location
I know there's the man-taking-you-out vibe which still exists but that can be boring. I like to find out where they were going to take me, then I choose somewhere else. I basically wanted to wear this jumpsuit from Zara and I tried to think which bar it would look the best in. My date chose somewhere where all my friends drink and my ex-boyfriend DJs, I liked that he liked the same bars as me, but no. no. no. No..

Think about what you're going to talk about
I've decided I'm not going to talk about dreams at any length because no one cares about anyone else's dreams, they also don't care about your "zany" family. Ancestry is my biggest turn off. I'm not going to talk about my recent ex-boyfriend or that I was sick on myself while on holiday in Barcelona. I am not going to bring up this column at any point. My tactics are to only to talk about things that we're both interested in, but nothing personal. Films, TV, food, places, politics.

I'll let you know how it goes next week - I hope my online dating stories live up to some of yours. Anyone got any good ones to make me laugh through the incredible nerves in the meantime?

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