14/08/2014 12:41 BST | Updated 20/05/2015 06:12 BST

How To Throw A Guy Out When You'd Rather Sleep Alone


You've taken a guy back to yours, decided you don't want him there and he has to leave. Now this can be tricky.

There's divided opinion about whether sleeping alone or sleeping next to another human is better, but let's look at this practically. Essentially, they steal your heat and oxygen and make alien noises and flutter their eyelids in a REM state so I know which I prefer.

Whoever stays over at mine gets until 5am (the magic hour that's not yesterday nor today) to get their stuff together and get out my flat. So how easy is it to get someone out when you're done with your meaningless fling?

Tell them directly
"I'd like to you to go, I prefer to sleep alone" or "this didn't mean anything" or "get out, what's-your-name" or just emit a high pitched noise from somewhere behind your nose. There's nothing more important than personal space so don't feel bad for wanting yours back while you're in a building that you pay for.

Pretend you're tired
Start with the most basic of hints - "I'm really tired now" - then a quick eye flick towards the door. People who are good enough at reading social cues to actually get into your house in the first place should pick this up really easily and vamoose.

Stay strong
They're probably going to try to stay once they know you want them to go, it's an ego or a stubbornness thing. But remember telling someone to leave is like pulling off a plaster (who still wears plasters, by the way? I've not seen an adult with a plaster on for years). Once they're gone, they're gone. You have only the few minutes of awkwardness then you can have the bed all to yourself.

Worst case scenario?
I once slept with a guy I'd known for a while platonically. He came round, we had a nice time. Magic 5am rolled around and I asked if he needed my address to call himself a taxi. He then became like an awful, needy Toy Story character I'd left in a car park. He said he wasn't going to go. I said he had to.

Then things got weird. He said he was going to "date rape himself" and proceeded to take some surprise recreational sedatives out his bag. All the warning bells in the world started going off (a little bit too late). With 999 dialled on the phone in my hand, waiting to press "call", I calmly told him he could lie unconscious outside in the street if he liked (maybe not my exact words, it may have sounded like "die like a dog"). He finally left. Then I went to sleep admittedly with one eye open.
After all that, there's one thing I was sure of... I'm really glad I didn't have to cook that guy breakfast.

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