14/08/2014 12:36 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

Secret Jewellery (To, You Know, Add Sparkle To Your Vagina, Etc)


When I was 15 I took my sham fake ID and got my clit pierced. Admittedly, my teenage rebellion took some weird turns. I obviously didn't tell my parents because I was in enough trouble for wearing magnetic earrings.

I took it out a few too many - to be exact, eight - years later when I finally realised how stupid it was. I had a belly button piercing too that didn't last nearly as long. Do people still have them? I've just remembered how much of a prick I was by posting a picture of it to my old Bebo page. Luckily, I definitely didn't paparazzi my own bejewelled junk.

In my Emerald Vagina stage (not to be confused with a bonus round of Sonic the Hedgehog) I did raise a few eyebrows, probably because of the element of surprise. I liked having a secret precious stone on my person, like how a TV dog must feel when it swallows an engagement ring before it has it's shit rummaged through.

Some guys liked it, some guys and didn't and of course, some didn't even notice it. I just tried my old tummy hole with a needle much to my flatmate's horror. It's still open but I can assure you that there's not going to be a bar going back through it anytime soon. I'll try my snatch later once I'm allowed to have my sewing kit back. I'm living with my mistakes.

I recently had a hospital appointment for something I don't get paid enough to tell you about but it got me thinking about "unexpected" jewellery again. Imagine having to take your top or bottoms off in front of a medical professional and there being ruby surgically attached to you. They'd remember it. What about lovers? They'd remember it too. What if your doctor is your lover? If your doctor is your lover you should probably phone the police.

Are there any other options if you don't want to be permanent pin cushion of bad choices but want your naked body covered with jewels? Let's pretend that necklaces, rings, bracelets and anklets don't exist like my bank balance does. Here's some options:

Bit sick of hearing about them? Me too. So how about around your nipples? I'm not sure if these have a name but I think we should call them Vazzipples. If you meet a guy who likes sucking on braille handbooks or the back of your foil packet of the pill then this might be for you.

Metal G-string
For when your thong isn't uncomfortable enough.

Breast Chains
Like a necklace but easier to snag. They all tend to be hundreds of pounds so just go down to B&Q and ask an assistant for 12 metres of their finest tit-chain and make one yourself.

Buttplug Jewels
I'm going to have to admit something here, this whole article is so I could mention these, Arse-Cufflinks. Pinpoint the single most ugly part of anyone's body. Now, stick a big, shiny diamante jewel in it.

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