14/08/2014 12:54 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

Shattered Dreams - And Happy Endings

Shattered dreams

"PCOS. You have PCOS." The unsympathetic doctor told me on reading the scan and test results. "It's unlikely you'll conceive or maintain pregnancy combined with your endometriosis."

My career for almost 20 years had been Childcare. I'd worked as a nursery nurse, nursery teacher and nanny with children newborn to 16 years old. And now, here, in a doctors surgery I was being told it was unlikely I'd ever have children.

Two of my friends had just announced their pregnancies.

A few weeks later another announced hers.

My face became a mask of smiles while behind I cried. I felt bitter jealousy that I never thought I could feel. I wanted a baby so badly I thought I would break from the want.

By the time a year had passed (and we were still trying) another two friends had announced their pregnancies and gone on to have their babies.

I was surrounded by new mothers and their babies.

Beautiful babies.

After what seemed an eternity waiting on the NHS list, we saw a fertility doctor who prescribed the fertility drug Clomid.

I'd read about this magical drug and despite my best efforts not to get hopeful my heart pounded as I took the first course.


Big fat negative.

I was destined to only care for other people's babies.

Second round.

I felt dreadful. The drug took hold of my body.

Narky, grumpy, itchy, certainly not in the mood for hanky panky, but on fertility drugs you don't have a choice if you want a baby. There's a time slot. A dedicated time.

By Christmas Eve I'd had enough. We'd had enough. We ditched the 'no alcohol, eat sensibly, specific position hanky panky' and we got drunk.

Very drunk.

We had the best Christmas Eve.

Christmas came and went, a boozy time to drown our disappointments and a fantastic New Year's party that took a few days to recover from.

I felt terrible. Too much alcohol over the festive season, too much bad food, I couldn't shake the lethargic post Christmas feeling.

By mid January I was feeling pretty low and pretty rotten and then I realised I'd not had a period.

Five tests later we still didn't believe it.

Nine months later we still didn't believe it when she stared up at us with those beautiful eyes.

When Betsy was 11 weeks old we stared at disbelief at the positive pregnancy test.

Oscar was born the day before Betsy's first birthday.

No fertility drugs.

We worked out he'd been conceived on Christmas Eve too.

The following Christmas we were very careful.

PCOS and endometriosis are horrid conditions. But I never once gave up hope.

So while often PCOS stories start out as shattered dreams. They often have happy endings.

Fi is also a qualified nursery nurse and parent adviser. Her first book 'Blissful Baby - Say Goodnight to Sleepless Nights!' is due out in spring 2014.

Blogs at: Childcare is fun
Twitter: @childcareisfun