14/08/2014 12:56 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

Things I'll Never Be Able To Do

Things I'll never be able to do

Someone asked the question: Do you speak more than one language?

As I pondered my utter failure to learn any other language anything like well enough to get beyond frustration I realised that there are many things I'll never be able to do.

Languages. I passed an O Grade in French and promptly forgot everything I learned... or so I thought. Then when I tried to learn Spanish - living in a Spanish-speaking country and doing lessons wasn't apparently enough, although I did discover that I hadn't forgotten all the French as odd words insisted on appearing in the middle of Spanish sentences. So no, I can understand some Spanish when it's spoken and read some French and it's anyone's guess what language you'll get when I try to answer a question.

Gardening. I mean, really, how hard can it be? Very actually. I have whatever the opposite of green fingers.

Sketching. I'd love to be able to make a drawing look the way that it looks in my head, but I've never managed it.

Tidiness. Some people create order in their wake... I don't, but, good grief, I've tried.

Care too much about my appearance. Very very occasionally I've tried to be glamorous and 'well-put-together' the effort has always been too much to sustain for more than about 10 minutes.

Follow a recipe. On the face of it, this should be the simplest thing. Just read what it says and follow the instructions. I think I've managed it maybe twice and decided it wasn't worth the discipline. In any case, busking turns out OK... most of the time.

Do craft. I hate it all that sticking and gluing and fixing. Makes a mess and never works out. I suppose it's like following the recipe without the benefit of a bowl to lick.

Run fast. Just not built for it.

See the point of oysters. Like snot with grit in it.

Be ready early. If there's not a deadline, it won't happen. And even if it does, it'll be with moments to spare.

Remember my own phone number. Really. I've had the same mobile number since early 2000 and I still don't know it off by heart.

Considering this catalogue of inability and failure - all of which I have comfortably come to terms with, it's no wonder I'm not a polyglot, or even a duoglot if such a thing existed. Ho hum.

Journalist, writer, blogger, mother, wife and, occasionally, whole person - also interested in food, fashion, feminism and folk music (less the last one but the alliteration works)

Blogs at: In a bun dance
Twitter: @Ellen27