14/08/2014 12:37 BST | Updated 22/05/2015 06:12 BST

When Your Ex Starts Dating Someone Else


Me and my ex were talking on the phone making arrangements to go our for dinner (date?). It was pretty unclear whether it was a date or not (so not a date). I don't think it was but you never know when you still occasionally sleep with each other (so it might've been a date).

He got uncomfortable and blurted out "I went on a date with someone else" (so not a date then). I know I write about dating other people every week, but this isn't about me doing something wrong. I'm only human and also I'm the one talking. By the way, "I'm the one talking" is my favourite get out clause for when I'm being a hypocrite.

I went through 14 hours dealing with the standard "five stages of grief" normally reserved for death. But admittedly, I'm being overly dramatic. Here's how I got through moving on from my ex trying to move on.

7pm: Denial
When he first told me he was trying to find someone new, I went to a weird serene place where I didn't even have any questions. I heard myself think, "No, no I'm cool about this". I know me, and wasn't me doing the thinking. I didn't feel like carrying on the conversation or speaking to him ever again, because I wasn't bothered. Not bothered. Not bothered at all. Totally OK. Just going to move on with my life. How am I being so cool with this? This doesn't seem right. I must be fantastic. Don't say anything for another couple of minutes, Alice, you've obviously got this under control.


8pm: Anger
Inevitable how the zen turned into blood bubbling hatred. How DARE he date other people? He assured me he wasn't going to pursue it any further but said he felt he should be honest if he's taking me out for dinner (so it might've been a date?.. Oh it doesn't matter). Everyone knows honesty is to alleviate your own guilt and I was furious at him for giving me this unnecessary chat and ruining my nice night in watching reruns of That 70's Show.


9pm: Bargaining
The mixture of self evaluation and plus the thousands of things I wanted to know about her. Maybe I could've been better as a girlfriend? Maybe we'd still be together? I could still be better than her. What does she look like? Where did they meet? What kind of education does she have? Where does she work? I'd do anything for him to catch an STI. My next birthday wish would be for her to be really terrible but blackmailing him to stay with her. His punishment would be that they have a long, boring, awful life together. Please God, please let her stand him up somewhere I can watch and I promise I'll go to church every week.


Midnight: Depression
After achieving my dream of sleeping while travelling last week, I managed to cross another life-long goal off my list. I had all ingredients for cake mix and no one stopping me from eating it raw. I didn't know achieving your dreams involved so much sick. Obviously this wasn't about my aspirations, this was about me eating raw eggs, butter and sugar in some loungewear.


9am: Acceptance
Woke up the next day and it was all over apart from some residual cake puking. So what if he wants to see other people? So do I. And I have been. One of the hardest things about a break-up is the hope you might get back together one day, there's a part of me that knows when he does meet someone else then it'll finally be the end of this story.


We're still on for dinner though - it was really hard to get that table.

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