02/09/2014 16:29 BST | Updated 20/05/2015 10:12 BST

'Those Are Salad Tongs!' Top 10 Funniest Things Mums Said During Childbirth

Close-up of a mother lying down with her baby boy

Do you remember what you said/screamed when you were giving birth? Or is it just too rude to post on a family website?

When my wife was delivering our first son, the words I most remember her screaming were: "Can you stop going on about getting an effing parking ticket?"

But social networking site Reddit has compiled a much funnier collection of anecdotes.

It asked health professionals to share their most memorable childbirth experiences, posing the question: "Doctors, nurses who deliver babes, what are some strange or funny things people have screamed while giving birth?"

Some of the answers were laugh-out-loud funny – and others were X-rated. But we're all grown-ups here, so we're publishing them anyway.

Reddit's Top 10 Childbirth Quotes:

* "When my brother was born, they had to use forceps to get him out. My mom saw them and screamed 'THOSE ARE SALAD TONGS! YOU ARE NOT PUTTING ANY GODDAMN KITCHENWARE IN THERE!'"

* "My mother's labour was extremely short, I was born within an hour. So that means that she went from experiencing minimal pain, to extreme pain with little time to adjust. When my dad was driving her to the hospital, he unfortunately had to stop for gas. He went into pay, and just then an elderly man in a wheelchair stopped him, asking him to buy cigarettes for him as the store was not wheelchair accessible. My mom then proceeded to lean out the window, yelling, 'DONT HELP THE CRIPPLE'.

* "Paramedic here: Delivered a baby for a lady who did not realise she was pregnant and called us for 'abdominal pain.' Patient: 'You are an idiot! I am not f***ing pregnant' Me: 'Well, I can see a head crowning' Patient: Thats must be a f***ing tumor!"

* "When my sister was in labor, she was screaming and our mom was trying to be comforting: 'It'll be OK. Take some deep breaths. It'll be over soon.' Then my sister looks up at our mom and says 'You have no idea what this is like.'"

* "My mum apparently said, upon viewing my brother whose head and face had become rather misshapen during his protracted journey down the birth canal: 'Noooo! Put it back in!'

* "When I was born, my dad didn't know that babies are usually born face down, and as I was coming out he screams: 'OH MY GOD SHE DOESN'T HAVE A FACE!'"

* "I'm a nurse, but I'm also a mom. My husband told me when I was breathing the laughing gas I screamed: 'I'm lady Darth Vader!" as I was pushing. Then I asked the doctor if he felt my tonsils when he had his arm up there. These are my coworkers."

* "After a long contraction, I said quietly 'I'm gonna set everyone in this room on fire.' Everyone laughed, including the nurse, but I think my devoutly Christian mother-in-law started to cry."

* "Patient fully dialated, started pushing, then changed her mind. 'I don't wanna do this, I'm going the f*** home.' And then tried to get off the table."

*"A friend's mom is a nurse. Nurse: "Have you seen the mucus plug?" Woman in labour: 'Yeah, that moron went out to have a cigarette!'"

Can you beat this? What did you say (shout) during labour?