07/09/2014 21:58 BST | Updated 20/05/2015 10:12 BST

Alternative Parenting Skills

Splashing in puddle

So when you have a baby you are obviously meant to immediately become skilled in feeding them, changing their bum, getting them to sleep and all that jazz. But as they get older. You realise there are other skills you need. Some take time. Some come with ease. Some I am yet to master. Maybe I will one day. By which time they will be 18 and won't give a sh*t any more.

Finding the effing dummy

Where oh where is the dummy? You know you brought 10 of the sods at £5 a pair so why, when your baby is weeping is it nigh on impossible to find ONE. Just one. Any one! The ones you brought for 'best' or any old one. Just ONE! There has been times where I have resorted to a newborn one with my 18 month old or even an old one my girl used to have that randomly appeared in an under the couch panic inspection.*

*Yes we use a dummy. They make my children happy. No further discussion is needed unless you know of a dummy finding device.

Stopping naps in the car

Now I'm not saying I have ever done this. But if one is 10 minutes from home and one doesn't want ones child napping thus either a) wiping out the dream of the afternoon nap or b) sending the child into a rabid spin post 10 minute stupid car nap.

One may drive with one arm on the wheel and one arm shaking the child's leg and hysterically singing a hastily made up "don't go to sleep tra la la laaaaa" song. But I've never done this. As it's dangerous. Ahem.

Making a trip to Poundland exciting

You've come to the end of you maternity leave and you're skint. And you need to leave the house for fear of losing your tiny mind. So where do you gojQuery191043635544436983764_1410122155292? Poundland of course!

My children think this is dream of all shops. And when I mention Poundland they yelp with joy. And when I can say they can choose whatever they like? The wonder in their eyes.

I reckon this lasts for only a few years till they realise £1 is actually less than a loaf of bread and Poundland loses it's allure. Then? I am screwed.

Packing a small bag with everything you may ever need in the world ever. Ever

Ah the 'Mum' bag. You need to know how to pack an oversized bag and even if you go out for 10 minutes you need everything ranging from a bog standard nappy to a sun hat to spare socks to snacks to a spare dummy (in case you lose one which you will then you won't be able to find the spare dummy). The Mum bag is a wondrous place but also a place where something as simple as a pack of baby wipes gets lost whilst you are covered in sick or there is poo leaking up your babies back.

Making the mundane marvellous

This takes the talent of an Oscar winning actress, this one. Making the ordinary normal everyday crap, dead boring, tasks marvellous. "Who wants to go to the Post Office to go and see Postman Pat!?" you exclaim whilst clapping your hands with glee.

In reality you want to say "We have to go to the local shop immediately as we have run out of toilet roll, and kitchen roll which could have been used as a substitute and baby wipes block the system and last time we used them your dad told me off so we need to walk in the rain and buy a substandard product from the world's most miserable shop assistant".

But you leave, and sing all about his black and white cat as you jump in muddy puddles.

There are other skills you need such as trying to win toys on a rip off clasper machine whilst your child weeps, not rolling ones eyes when your mother-in-law tries to force mittens on your child. Again.

However small steps. I just found a quid under the couch whilst looking for the baby's dummy so we are off to go and Spend Spend Spend!

This blog comes from Brummy Mummy of 2.

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