Baby Names 2015: Why Won't Parents Call Their Babies 'Keith' ?

Baby boy pulls funny face with scrunched up nose
Baby boy pulls funny face with scrunched up nose

What will parents be calling their babies in 2015? Here's a fact: it won't be 'Keith'!

But why not? Why don't parents call their babies 'Keith' any more? Is that a stupid question?

I'm called Keith. My dad's called Keith. But he's 77 and I'm 50. Somehow giving a mewling newborn the moniker 'Keith' just feels wrong, doesn't it?

Why? Is it REALLY any worse than Oliver, Jack, Noah, Jacob, Charlie and Harry – just a handful of the so-called fashionable names parents have called their babies in 2014?

I mean, aren't they just rather dull?

And there are the wacky handles – you know, the ones slebs call their kids – like Bunny (parents: Katie Price and Kieran Hayler), Wyatt (Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher) and Buzz (Tom Fletcher and Giovanna Falcone).

But aren't these just a bit Look At Me Aren't I Different pretentious, no?

Compared to these 'Keith' is but a mere syllable. A rather harsh syllable, granted. But harmless, nonetheless. Traditional, in fact.

But not traditional in a cool sense, apparently. Cool traditional names are coming back into fashion, apparently.

Names like Ernest, Frank, Edmund and even Douglas are about to make a comeback in 2015, along with 'posh' names such as Julian, Tarquin, Rupert, Hugo, Felix, Percy, Monty and Rufus.

And they dare to take the mickey out of 'Keith'. Give me a break.

But traditional and toff aren't the only sources of baby name inspiration for 2015, according to Parentdish predictions based on analysis of the latest baby name data.

Boys' names will also be drawn from sources as diverse as the Bible, and 90s high schools.

Noah, Ethan, and Isaac have been popular name choices for baby boys for years now, but it seems that parents are ready to dig deeper into their Bible as Seth, Reuben and Elijah have already joined them in the top 100!

And from the the generation of parents who grew up during the Beverley Hills 90210 era expect to see more Austins, Seths, Madisons, Brandons, Tylers and Justins,

But not a single, solitary, token gesturistic nod in the direction of 'Keith'.

It has become the boy's name equivalent of being ginger.

But what's in a name? How much does what parents called their babies affect their lives?

I'm half a century old now and I've come to realise how much the name has influenced my personality.

A bit like Johnny Cash's 'A Boy Named Sue' (except Sue is probably a more fashionable name for a son these days).

And despite hero-worshipping my Dad Named Keith, I've often wished he'd overruled my mum – because he wanted to call me Luke (probably realising, even then) that 'Keith' was a name doomed for the naff scrapheap of the future. But I wasn't particularly sensitive about my name when I was a teenager.

I was the only 'Keith' in the school - with friends called Andy, Steve, Pete, Stu, Neil, Mike, Dave, Matt, Mark, John...and Luke (yes, they were Biblical times!) – but because my (very cool) dad was called 'Keith' I thought I was cool.

Besides, there were loads of cool Keiths: Keith Moon, Keith Richards, and the coolest Keith of all, my dad.

It was only when I got older I realised that my name had become identified with the unfashionable, naff and moronic – a byword for Knobhead.

Keith Chegwin paved the way, first playing pop, then waggling his tiny privates on national television on some ill-fated nudists' game show.

Then came Keith Harris and his lame duck act, Orville.

But the real cementer of my name as vernacular for naff moron came in the rotund shape of Keith from The Office, then rubber-stamped by the daft spoof celeb panellist Keith Lemon. ('Lemon' got that Keiths? You're all lemons. Ho-har-de-sodding-har!)

Never again would 'Keith' be cool. No babies will ever be called 'Keith' again.

It's time to take a stand. It's time to hi-jack those Baby Name Lists and re-claim Keith for the Kool Kids (although as an initialised logo, that might not work either!).

So rise up, non-sheep parents of the world. Buck tradition, defy fashion, laugh in the face of trendiness: hold your new babe in arms, hold him to the Heavens Lion King-style, and declare to the world: "I NAME THIS BABY 'KEITH'."

P.S. We called our sons Tom and Sam. We-ell, 'Keith' would have been cruel, wouldn't it!