31/12/2014 11:52 GMT | Updated 20/05/2015 10:12 BST

If Toddlers Made New Year's Resolutions

Small boy smiling with milk moustache, Bulgaria.
We all have changes we'd like to make, and our little tots are no different. Given the opportunity, toddlers are very open to self-improvement and actually don't believe the world revolves around them and their every whim. They simply need the chance to express their thoughts and will then begin to make a positive difference. Good for them!

The following are real accounts from one and two-year-olds, spoken or written in their own words; although all names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved. Any similarity between these children and mine or my friends' is purely coincidental. Ahem.

Thank you to all the toddlers who kindly agreed to participate and for your honest and brave answers.

Happy New Year!

"Next year, I will stop swallowing 5 pence pieces. Or pennies. In fact, any coin currency whatsoever. Except the ones that are covered in foil but have actual chocolate inside. Apparently, they are okay to consume. It's confusing, right? I know I need to try harder though, just to stop my Mum and Dad arguing over who should check it has 'passed through.' I don't have a clue what they're talking about but they sound grossed out and fairly worried so I will try. To be honest, it didn't even taste nice; although I'm perhaps making unfair comparisons to the yummy foil ones. Why even design money to look like confectionary anyway? So stupid." Anabelle, 2 ¾

"My main resolution is to stop being inconsistent. It's tricky because I do change my mind a lot – that's just me – and I don't think I should alter who I am to please others. However, I can see it must be confusing for my Mum when I plead and beg to travel to the shop by trike, then kick and scream to come out of it half way down the road, then shout and demand to be carried, and then finally; refuse to move out of the cereal aisle (because I find it calming).

"I can understand why this might be annoying, particularly when I don't even eat cereal, so I hope to restore some balance by reducing my contrary incidents to say, three times a day." James, 2 ¼

"This is an easy one for me; I know where change should occur. Next year, I will stop wiping my nose with my tongue. I've seen the look of disgust in my parents' eyes, and to disappoint them this early isn't on really; I'll do it enough when I'm older. So it stops, I promise. So long as my Mum understands that she must whip out the hanky pretty quickly. She's just so damn slow sometimes." Polly, 14 months

"I've thought about this a lot, and, as much as it saddens me to say, I know what my resolution must be. I will stop grabbing and slapping my genitals at every nappy-changing opportunity, as tempting as it is. I know it is frowned upon in open society and I therefore must address. To support me in change however, my Mummy really ought to stop singing "Ooh my little willy smacker, ooh don't smack your little willy" every time I do it. She is being an enabler, not to mention quite insulting." Daniel, 17 months

"My resolution for the New Year is to stop breaking my Daddy's iPhone by throwing it down the stairs. Now, I'm not sure I'll actually have the opportunity to follow this through seeing as my Dad's phone is of course smashed-up and not really of any use to me. As such, grabbing it from his hand, banging it on the table screen-down or indeed slinging it down the stairs, has lost both its appeal and point. But in the interests of taking part in this outdated societal tradition, I will make the above my resolution. PS – You guys are SO easy to fob off." Zara, 18 months

"This resolution may sound a little baffling, and to be honest, I'm not sure I fully understand the idea behind it either. But, as I know it will make such a positive difference to my Mum, I will give it a go. I am going to stop having short naps. Ta-dah! I have noted, on several occasions, the barely concealed irritation in my Mum's eyes when she comes upstairs after I have only been asleep for 30 minutes to find me smiling and clapping my hands, ready to crack on with another afternoon of constant entertainment and adoration. I also think my short naps make her a bit stupid as she sometimes whispers in a desperate voice, 'lay down, it's still sleepy time,' almost as if she thinks I will nod back off. Mum? I'm CLAPPING!

So I will stop having short naps to avoid the above distress, irritation and daft behaviour from my Mum. It won't be easy but what I will do, on the days I don't want to nap for 2 hours, is not nap at all. Good plan hey? That way, my Mum won't get irritated, and will just carry on lavishing me with attention and addressing each of my whims for the whole day. Non-stop. For my part, I'll probably be a bit cranky due to lack of sleep so will exhibit more unreasonable behaviour, throw a few extra tantrums and completely refuse to be put down for even one second. But, I know how much it means to her, so I'm going to do it. She will be so happy!" Billy, 21 months

This article is republished with kind permission from the blog Big Trouble in Little Nappies
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