Father's Day presents can be tricky – dads are often more likely to answer your question of what they'd like with a grunt of "I don't know" or "surprise me" than present you with a carefully annotated list of options.
So who can blame us if we fall back on the tired old 'Gifts for Him' options helpfully provided by shops and advertisers? Gifts centred around golf, whisky and socks might be uninspired, you think, but at least they're reliable.
Unless, that is, they're among these monstrosities. These terrible Father's Day presents show what happens when manufacturers try to come up with a unique take on a Father's Day favourite – and get it horribly wrong.
Hanging Traffic Warden
Thing dad is supposed to love: Cars
This is insanely macabre as far as 'novelty' products go - do you actually want to look at a picture of an executed traffic warden on an extended drive? Even worse, your chances of charming your way out of a ticket will plummet to zero. In fact, traffic wardens will probably go out of their way to teach your Rebel Without A Cause ass a lesson. Deservedly so, to be honest.
The Best of... T-shirt
Thing dad is supposed to love: 'The good old days'
Come on! This is equivalent to buying your dad a T-shirt that says 'I'm old', and no amount of pointless name checks of the Beatles and James Bond can change that.
501 Excuses for a Bad Golf Shot
Thing dad is supposed to love: Golf
So your dad likes a round of golf, eh? Well then, what could be more fun than this book of 501 (count them!) excuses for a bad golf shot? A lot of things, apparently. One disappointed customer called the 'humour' of this book 'tooth-grinding'. We imagine that after Excuse #312 it all starts to get a bit strained.
Thing dad is supposed to love: His pet
As you get older, it becomes harder to give a pet dog the energy and exercise it needs. If your dad is getting on a bit for long hikes with Rover but still wants the thrill of taking a pet for a stroll, your prayers have been answered in the form of the rat harness. Cultivate a reputation as a local weirdo in your twilight years!
Collagen Sausage-Casing Skins
Thing dad is supposed to love: BBQs
Why waste as much as three quid on pre-made sausages like all those sheeple at the Co-Op when you could spend hours gently squeezing pig innards into plastic cases yourself!
Crystal Skull Whiskey Glass
Thing dad is supposed to love: Whisky
Oh yes, nothing beats enjoying a fine single malt on the porch on a summer's evening, unless it's pretending to sip the golden nectar out of the bleached skull of your arch-nemesis.
Dancing Girls Socks
Thing dad is supposed to love: Socks
Nubile pole dancers love nothing more than conferring sexual favours on aging guys with novelty socks. Seal the deal with this tender woollen tribute to the world of erotic dance.
Plant Theatre Psychedelic Salad Kit
Thing dad is supposed to love: Gardening
Truly, nothing says 'psychedelic' like different coloured radishes. These wacky vegetables are sure to bring back memories of the Swinging Sixties, turning Sunday roast into an acid trip.
Grenade-shaped Butane Lighter
Thing dad is supposed to love: World War Two
Picture it: dad pulls a terrifyingly realistic grenade out of his jacket for a quick fag, causing instant pandemonium to all nearby, and probably sparking a red alert across the county's police force. "Don't worry!" he chuckles, proudly displaying the jet of fire shooting from the explosive to reassure the fleeing crowds of its safety.
Hot Dog Toaster
Thing dad is supposed to love: Gadgets
Are your family hot-dog suppers missing that extra-special pizzazz that can only come from a properly toasted bun? Why not buy this incredibly handy hot-dog toaster? And only a contemptible hot-dog amateur would ever ask why you can't just put the roll under the grill.
What will you be getting or not getting your dad this Father's Day?