20/01/2015 16:40 GMT | Updated 20/05/2015 10:12 BST

The 36 Questions To Make You STAY In Love

Nervous husband and wife sitting on the couch watching TV isolated on white background

Psychologists have come up with 36 questions which, they say, are guaranteed to make you fall in love.

The enforced intimacy from discussing your thoughts on musings as diverse as 'What's your perfect day?' and 'How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?' apparently fosters mutual vulnerability and intimacy that a romantic relationship thrives on.

This is all very nice but it doesn't pave the way to stay in love. That, I'd argue, is a far more useful aim when you enter the testing ground of marriage, kids and him asking you to pull his finger then blow off.

So I've come up with my own 36 questions to ask potential soul mates to make sure they aren't going to end up resentful, bitter, twisted and irritated by a partner who might have shared your dream of a perfect day but now picks his nose and eats it when he's driving...

1. Do you know when bin day is?
2. How would you feel about letting me have a lovely lie-in?
3. Would you ever answer the question 'Have I lost weight?' with 'I'm not saying you have it but what is cellulite?'?
4. Would you be so stupid as to not bring me back something from the chippy when I specifically said I didn't want anything?
5. In which case, would you let me eat half your chips?
6. Have you ever been a member or ever wanted to join a golf club?
7. Do you do housework without being shouted at?
8. Do you change the sheets without being asked?
9. Would you put your wonderful wife and children at risk of breaking down on the way to swimming lessons just because you like playing 'petrol chicken'?
10. Is your obsession with sport so bad you insist on going to the football every other Saturday despite the fact you chose to have children and it is not on leaving her with them so you can skive off and come back home stinking of lager?
11. Would you let your partner watch costume dramas in peace, interrupting her only to offer tea and biscuits when the adverts are on?
12. Are you so thick as to complain about a meal without meat when you have done no cooking since that spag bol you made in a seduction bid three years ago?
13. Would you call looking after your children 'babysitting'?
14. Apart from any attractive women - famous or local - who would be your favourite dinner date?
15. If you could choose, would you rather have a partner who is a bit overweight and wrinkled or no one else at all because I'm sorry but I can't see a queue at the door of women desperate to take my place?
16. Do you miss the loo?
17. What do you most love about me?
18. If you were looking after the kids, would you ignore them and look at your phone instead?
19. Would you go out in the rain to buy me some chocolate?
20. What is your view on putting the heating on in September?
21. How would you react if I told you I was on a diet but you caught me eating crisps in the downstairs loo?
22. Would you agree with the statement that once a month is enough?
23. Is it perfectly acceptable for me to have a gym membership I don't use but to tell you off for wasting money on a flutter on the horses?
24. Are you useless at DIY and if so, prepared to get someone in rather than botch it up?
25. Why should I be the one who clears the garden of dog poo when you were the one who wanted a pooch because you thought it would be good for the kids?
26. Would you ring your mother so she wouldn't harass me instead?
27. Would you pass wind and expect a round of applause?
28. Would you be polite enough to pretend I haven't and not announce "have you been eating peas again, Mum?"?
29. When can I have a credit card on your account?
30. Do you remember your family's birthdays or would you expect me to do your dirty work for you?
31. Is it OK if we always spend Christmas with my parents and pop in to yours for two hours in February?
32. Are you really annoying after three pints of lager?
33. Am I hilariously witty and sexy after a bottle of wine?
34. Would you ever answer the children's cries for "Muuuum" when you're in the same room as them and I'm not?
35. Would you do a sit-down on the toilet if I was running myself a bath?
36. If we'd have an argument would you admit it was your fault even if it wasn't?

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