ENTERTAINMENT
04/03/2015 07:42 GMT | Updated 04/03/2015 07:59 GMT

Sherlock's Best One-Liners For Every Occasion, Courtesy Of Benedict Cumberbatch, Mark Gatiss And Steven Moffat

Ever find yourself stuck for a witty quip? Silent when a bon mot is required? Speechless in a social setting?

Fear not, because we've put together the best one-liners, courtesy of the wit of writers Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss, together with the faultless delivery of one Mr Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes, suitable for any and every occasion. Weddings, family gatherings, crime scenes... he's got it all covered, so read on, safe in the knowledge that you'll never be caught short again...

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Benedict Cumberbatch in mega fanbase-winning form as Sherlock Holmes

Dealing with a cerebrally inferior colleague, not making them feel bad about themselves…

“Anderson, don’t talk out loud. You lower the IQ of the whole street.”

The subtle art of putting a prospective new housemate at ease…

John: Is that it?

Sherlock: Is that what?

John: We’ve only just met, and we’re going to go and look at a flat?

Sherlock: Problem?

John: We don’t know a thing about each other. I don’t know where we’re meeting, I don’t even know your name.

Sherlock: I know you’re an Army doctor, and you’ve been invalided home from Afghanistan. You’ve got a brother worried about you, but you won’t go to him for help, because you don’t approve of him, possibly because he’s an alcoholic, more likely because he recently walked out on his wife, and I know your therapist thinks your limp’s psychosomatic, quite correctly, I’m afraid. That’s enough to be going on with, don’t you think ? The name is Sherlock Holmes, and the address is 221B baker street. Afternoon.

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Watson and Mrs Hudson can rest easy that they're in safe, socially adept hands

Encouraging others to help join in solving the crime…

“C’mon! Where is her case? Did she eat it?”

Being humble…

I dislike being outnumbered. It makes for too much stupid in the room.

Making a job application to the UN…

Mrs. Hudson's been attacked by an American. I'm restoring balance to the universe.

Reassuring the chief detective of a case that you know exactly what’s going on…

Lestrade: Why is he doing this, the bomber? If this woman's death was suspicious why point it out?

Sherlock: Good Samaritan.

Lestrade: Who press-gangs suicide bombers?

Sherlock: Bad Samaritan.

Putting to bed once and for all the timeless fears of young children…

"People don't really go to heaven when they die. They're taken to a special room and burned."

Being introduced to the in-laws…

“Dear God. What is it like in your funny little brains? It must be so boring.”

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On the end of some of Sherlock's most withering put-downs, Mr Watson (Martin Freeman)

Some universal fashion advice…

Harry: You look taller in your photographs.

Sherlock: Take the precaution of a good coat and a short friend.

Welcoming words for the ex of your best friend’s new wife…

"I think from now on we'll downgrade you to casual acquaintance, no more than three planned social encounters a year and always in John's presence. I have your contact details I will be be monitoring." -Sherlock Holmes to Mary’s ex, David

For when someone else is making YOU feel cerebrally inferior, or at least uninformed…

“Oh! You meant “Spectacularly ignorant” in a nice way. Look, it doesn’t matter to me who’s Prime Minister, or who’s sleeping with who–

John Watson: [muttering] Or that the earth goes around the sun.

Sherlock: Oh God, that again! It’s not important!”

Reassuring a colleague again…

“I’m not a psychopath, Anderson. I’m a high-functioning sociopath. Do your research.”

Assuaging the concerns of the law…

“Oh, no, no, no, we’re fine. No, it’s the burglar, he’s got himself rather badly injured. He fell out of a window.”

For that moment when someone’s about to get poetic/romantic…

“Sentiment is a chemical defect found on the losing side.”

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The years have seen Sherlock having to adapt to changing circumstances... sort of

Finding the joy in any occasion…

“Four serial suicides and now a note! It’s Christmas!”

Dealing with that awkward moment of some unwanted romantic attention…

Molly: I was wondering if you’d like to have coffee?

Sherlock: Black, two sugars please. I’ll be upstairs.

[Sherlock leaves the room]

Molly Hooper: …Okay.

Finding your inner sang froid for the most threatening of occasions…

“Oh, please, killing me? That’s so two years ago.”

Boosting (the same) colleague’s confidence…

“Shut up everybody, shut up! Don’t move, don’t speak, don’t breathe, I’m trying to think. Anderson, face the other way, you’re putting me off.”

Meeting the neighbours for the first time…

“The name is Sherlock Holmes and the address is 221B Baker Street.”

Meeting the neighbours for the second time…

“Mrs. Hudson took my skull.”

How to make everyone go ahhh, just when they least expect it…

“The point I’m trying to make is that I am the most unpleasant, rude, ignorant and all-round obnoxious arsehole that anyone could possibly have the misfortune to meet. I am dismissive of the virtuous, unaware of the beautiful and uncomprehending in the face of the happy. So, if I didn’t understand I was being asked to be best man, it is because I never expected to be anybody’s best friend.”

Showing a surprising bit of self-awareness…

“Well, you’re hardly going to need me around now that you have a real baby on the way.”

On a final footnote, we should acknowledge that sometimes, just occasionally, sorry Sherlock, but someone else says it best…

"Sherlock Holmes is a great man, and I think one day -- if we're very, very lucky -- he might even be a good one." -Greg Lestrade

'Sherlock' Series 1 and 2 are available to download and on DVD Box Set.

Benedict Cumberbatch's Elegant Style

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