31/03/2015 15:25 BST | Updated 31/05/2015 10:12 BST

The Alternative Baby Glossary

Portrait of smiling and laughing baby lying down, studio shot, white background

Good Sleeper = The empty LIE which tempted you into unprotected sex in the first place... (note to self - in future, just have a Twix).

Facial Recognition = When they look at you and poo. Yes, your face makes them poo themselves. Let's try not to read into that too much.

Colic = You won't be leaving the house for a while and when you do, it will be to go and cry behind some bins.

Reflux = The Universe has decided you are a horrific human being and this is your punishment. Along with how your vagina looks now.

Baby Socks = Another one of the Universe's jokes...

Controlled Crying = If you think for a second you are in control of anything then you should probably sell your ovaries on the internet right now.

First Smile = Wind (and denial).

First Laugh = Lots of wind (and denial).

Wind = My baby is really happy (but no-one squeeze him too hard).

Good Feeder = My nipples look like pate.

Bad Latch = My baby ate some of my pate nipple.

Tongue Tie = Nature's way of telling you you're baby's not a pate fan.

Cluster Feeding = Your baby f***ing loves pate.

Combination Feeding = The breast-police are very disappointed in you and you and vagina are going to hell.

Nipple Confusion = You'd be confused too if you had to fit that in your face.

Feeding Position = Yeah, you better be holding your baby at exactly 37 degrees perpendicular to your lap.

Floor Gym = Somewhere to leave your baby so you can go to the loo for the first time in three days.

Jumperoo = Freeeeeeeeeeeeeddddddoooooommmmmmm. Escape to the bathroom now and eat as many Snickers in a row as you can before it's too late...

Tummy-Time = Baby face-planting with tears.

Babble = I'm trying to talk to you, you rancid woman.

Baby Wearing = You don't even need to put down your gin...?! #nobrainer

Skin-to-Skin = Excuse for a bath.

Baby Bath = You think you're cleaning your baby, but what really happens is you dry them and all their skin falls off. Until you stick it back on with baby oil.

Teething = Run away now while you still can...

Co-Sleeping = Remember when you used to have sex...? No. Probably best.

Sleep Regression = What the internet tells you to say when your baby still thinks 20 minutes sleep per night is acceptable at four months old.

Growth Spurt = What the internet tells you to say about everything else...

Positing = When your baby farts milk out of their face. In chunks.

Milestones = The precious moments where your baby begins sitting, eating, crawling and walking... and the moment you realise why baby vests have shoulders like that...

Alternatively, simply apply 'Growth Spurt' to everything on this list. And have some gin while baby-wearing.

This article is republished with the kind permission of the very funny blogger Just a Normal Mummy. You can follow her on Facebook and Twitter too.

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