40 Things You Did Before You Had Kids

Girl jumping on sleeping father in bed
Girl jumping on sleeping father in bed

I love being a parent – let's get that established from the outset. But, the other day, my wife asked me what we did before we had kids, and I couldn't remember. I literally couldn't remember how we filled our time.

There's no doubting that having children fills every second of your day with exhaustion, stress, exhilaration and wonderful memories – but every now and again you pine for the life you had before kids. It's only human.

For example, you did:

  1. Nothing. I mean, absolutely nothing.
  2. You'd also sleep. Like a proper, lovely, deep sleep, and you...
  3. ...may even have to set an alarm, because there would be no kids to slap you awake.
  4. Doesn't matter though, 'cos you could have a lie in.
  5. You could even have a duvet day, if you wanted, not even get dressed.
  6. You'd waste a weekend. Before you knew it you'd be back at work after having done nothing.
  7. You'd probably be hungover, though, so a duvet day isn't a bad idea.
  8. Thing is, you could go to the pub in the evening.
  9. You could even go out to a club if you wanted to.
  10. Basically, you could go and get drunk somewhere.
  11. Problem is, you'd spend a ridiculous amount of money on a night out...
  12. ...but it didn't really matter, because you'd have money to spare...
  13. ...and you'd think 4am was the time you only saw on the way home from such a night.
  14. Once past your hangover, you could plan the day ahead,
  15. Or just pop out,
  16. As a couple, instead of just two parents herding kids.
  17. Because before children, you could just walk down the street without shepherding toddlers off the road.
  18. You left the house without a thousand bags, and you could...
  19. ...travel anywhere you wanted without worrying whether it was child friendly.
  20. You could go swimming without worrying that your kid would exclaim that he can see that man's willy,
  21. And you could browse the shops properly instead of running in and out just to grab the essentials.
  22. You'd go to a restaurant and actually concentrate on what you were eating
  23. Instead of worrying where your child has thrown their food
  24. Or whether they'd filled their nappy.
  25. Once you were home, you could turn on the TV and not have the channel default to CBeebies
  26. You could watch an adult TV programme ALL THE WAY THROUGH,
  27. And watch adverts for charities without crying.
  28. If you wanted to, you could have a conversation without being interrupted by 'WATCH ME, DADDY!' every two seconds.
  29. If there was nothing on TV you could go to the cinema and watch a movie that wasn't animated.
  30. You could even read more than a page of a book without a child calling your name.
  31. If you wanted to, you could actually go to the toilet in peace, and do a poo. By yourself.
  32. You could swear, all the time, without fear that a child would repeat you in front of his teacher.
  33. You'd probably swear because you had to meet your mates, even though you don't want to, because you don't have a child you can use as an excuse.
  34. But cheer up! You could have sex at any time of day!
  35. And you didn't have to stop every 10 seconds because one of the kids made a noise.
  36. Before you had children you didn't get ill very often...
  37. And, if you did, you could sneeze without consequences.
  38. If you were really ill, the thought of being sick revolted you – now you don't bat an eyelid.
  39. You'd never even think of touching poo, but now it's second nature.
  40. Before you had kids you could do whatever you liked; but the thing is, you wouldn't go back for all the world.