23/04/2015 16:35 BST | Updated 23/06/2015 10:12 BST

Reasons Why My Kids Are Fighting

Children play fighting on floor

I love it when people post pictures on Facebook of brothers and sisters playing like happy siblings. Honestly, I do. Because most of the time mine are fighting like David Cameron and Ed Miliband over who has one more crisp in their packet, or some other equally weighty matter. There are the usual 'it's mine,' 'I had it first,' and 'it's not fairs,' and then there are the frankly ridiculous matters that only brothers and sisters could fight over.

Here are 10 of the most ludicrous things they squabble over.

1. ''It's my turn to eat out of the Frozen bowl.''

To the really kind and thoughtful person who gave ONE of my daughters a Frozen bowl for Christmas, cheers. I know you meant well, it's just that I now have to do breakfast in shifts, so that one child can eat out of if first, so that I can then wash it up and give it to the next child. Please tell me where the hell you got that thing so that I can get another identical one and avoid World War III in the kitchen every morning.

2. ''He stepped on my shadow.'' Seriously. She actually had a meltdown over this.

3. ''Those are my owl pyjamas.'' Yes, but you outgrew them three years ago, which is why your sister is now wearing them.

4. ''You let him open the car door. I wanted to open the car door, why didn't you let me do it?''

Really? Half the house is filled with battery operated plastic crap, and you want to press the tiny button on the car keys that unlocks the car door? Same goes for the pedestrian crossing, because hey, you've only done that about 465 times in your life, too.

5. The downstairs toilet versus the bathroom!

Just as women who live together end up synching their menstrual cycles, kids in the same household always need a poo at the same time. Well, mine do anyway. Fortunately one is still in nappies, so she's sorted. But as for the other two, 'poo o'clock' generally results in heated debates over who gets to use the downstairs loo. FFS - it's just a toilet. And you can guarantee one of them will forget to flush. Gross.

6. ''That's my Angry Bird!''

A few years ago, before the days of Minecraft, my son was into Angry Birds. Once on holiday, we made the mistake of playing one of those stupid games, where you post 50p into a slot and try to grab a soft toy - in this case a stuffed Angry Bird - using a mechanical claw. Even more stupidly, we won one. This resulted in an inconsolable younger sister, who up until that point didn't even know what an Angry Bird was (she actually called it a 'Hungry Bird.') We ended up spending a small fortune until we'd won a second identical creature. Only for them to argue over whose was whose.

7. ''It's my mummy!''

I have three children, this means I am a mummy to all of them. Unfortunately, the youngest doesn't always acknowledge this simple fact. If one of the older ones is sitting on my lap, she will often come along with a horrified, indignant expression and yell ''It's my Mummy!'' while attempting to shove them off. Charming.

8. ''I don't want to watch CBeebies, that's for babies!''

The trouble with having kids of different ages, is that they NEVER want to watch the same thing on TV. So while one wants to see something Bear Grylls-esque on CBBC, another one is hell bent on CBeebies, while the youngest is screaming for the Peppa Pig DVD.

Obviously, I should just ban the TV altogether. Except when would I ever get a chance to put the kettle on and check Facebook?

9. ''It's not dame, it's day!''

I have no idea why the words to Baa Baa Black Sheep provoke such a reaction, but my daughter refuses to believe that the word dame exists - as in 'one for the master, one for the dame' - as if it's all a big conspiracy theory. And woo betide anyone who sings this cheery little nursery rhyme using the correct vocabulary. Which is of course, exactly what her brother and sister do. Cue: biblical rage.

10. ''I want to open the doors!''

My children's obsession with pressing tiny buttons, is topped only by them setting off automatic doors. This means we frequently have to walk through the entrance to Tesco three times, just so they can all get a go. That security guard must think I have OCD.

I'm sure they love each other really. But I really must get another Frozen bowl - as this clearly isn't a good reason to be late for school every morning.

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