So I wasn't quite where I had expected to be. Single at 40, no kids, still working full time in London. I was enjoying life, but was there something or someone missing.
Ever since I can remember, I had loved babies. At a very young age I would put nappies on my toy babies, feed them, rock them to sleep. It kept me amused for hours.
As I was growing up, I would look after my nephews and I always thought I would get married, live in a nice house, and have three kids. I was one of three siblings and I liked it. But as the years rolled on I never seemed to find Mr Right or Mr Good Enough. No one that I really thought could be the father of my children and someone I wanted to settle with.
Going out with guys I longed to find the right one and live my dream. I really wanted the whole package that most of my friends had. I wanted to find 'the one' before it became too late.
I started to feel pressure. Pressure a lot of women feel in their 30s. I felt that I had to be like all my friends. I literally felt my biological clock ticking away loudly in the background. I'm pretty sure some of my boyfriends did too. I became obsessed with finding 'the one'. Every date I went on, I imagined if I could see them being the father of my children and what the kids would look like. It was all I had on my mind.
So just before I turned 40 I had some tough decisions to make.
I hadn't found Mr Good Enough but time was moving on. If I wanted a baby then should I take control and do it by myself with a donor? Now it's not an easy conversation to have with your friends and family. Most people think you are mad to do it on your own. They question why would you and could you cope? They look at you as if it's a bit weird. Most people that know me, know that if I want something I don't give up. So I booked an appointment at a private clinic. I was self-funding this. I had money saved for this for years, in case the need arose. Which now seemed to be the right time.
So after numerous tests, consultations and counselling sessions I decided to go for it. The clinic made me feel that this was completely normal and so many like-minded people were doing the same. They too were no longer waiting for Mr Good Enough to come along and doing it on their own. If I was lucky enough to have a baby, I had researched all my options in terms of child care, support networks, Plan B and C. I would have to continue working in London so this wasn't going to be easy. But sometimes you just have to throw yourself in. I felt I would live to regret not giving it a go. If I ended up with no children without even trying I would feel I failed.
So the next thing was to choose the donor. Now that's an interesting experience. What is your ideal father for your child? You basically get to pick all the best bits! Height, body type, hair colour, nationality. But then in actual fact by the time you filter it down, there isn't a vast amount of choice. I could have used an international website which included pictures but some how that put me off. That seemed more like a dating site and I found that a lot harder. So in the end I found my top four and read through their profiles. You get a paragraph from each perspective donor on their background, lifestyle, hobbies, allergies (very important!) and values.
It took some time and in the end I got a friend to come over. With a glass of wine in hand - I made my choice and hit the purchase button! Not my normal online shopping but donor #0134 had been purchased.
Deep breath. I now felt in control again. Mr #0134 is now sitting in a fridge waiting for me to start but it's up to me. I feel much more relaxed about the whole situation. I am still dating, I am still going out and having fun and would like to find 'the one', and I know if not that plan B is there. When I feel ready to go for it I can. There's a long road ahead, that I know won't be easy, but I had taken the first step and it felt good.
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