03/08/2014 15:24 BST | Updated 03/10/2014 06:59 BST

Engaged and Confused: A Man's Guide to Marriage - Part 3: A Decent Proposal 1 of 2

For those of you concerned, I had my hair cut around five days before the big proposal to ensure the hair had settled well into the new cut. Now you can all relax and enjoy this post as opposed to fretting over the possibility that my freshly cut hair wouldn't be up to the challenge.


There is an old proverb that states: 'once you have bestowed knowledge of your intent onto he who cuts your hair, that intent must be progressed to completion.' I think it's Greek. Regardless, the second most important person in my life (Harry the hairdresser) knew that I was planning to propose, now it was time to ask the most important person in my life if she was up for it. For those of you concerned, I had my hair cut around five days before the big proposal to ensure the hair had settled well into the new cut. Now you can all relax and enjoy this post as opposed to fretting over the possibility that my freshly cut hair wouldn't be up to the challenge.

Very conveniently my then girlfriend and I had a trip to Prague booked, I say conveniently we are middle class so a weekend getaway to somewhere in Europe is only ever a few weeks away, otherwise how would we convince people on facebook that things were going well. Prague is the 14th largest city in the European Union, 6th most visited city in Europe and ranked 5th in the World best destinations in 2014. And who am I to argue with statistics, even if they are very modest often unimpressive statistics.

Before we left for Prague I thought it prudent to have the ring insured, this was exciting for me as I don't think I've ever thought of anything prudent before in fact the more I use the word the less I feel like it is a real word. Prudent.

If I had to chart the most awkward part of the phone conversation it would be this moment.

Man from insurance company (Insuraman for short):

Side note Insuraman would be a very dull but very helpful superhero, did you see the destruction in Avengers Assemble, I think we were all hoping that the extra scene at the end of the credits was just the building owners attempting and failing to make insurance claims because the insurance companies called it an 'act of God,' GET IT??? It's a Thor joke.


Insuraman: Would it be possible for you to send a picture of the ring.

Me: Yes of course... Would you like me to be wearing the ring?

Now at this point I was the freak in this conversation, of course he didn't want me wearing the ring he knows how rings work he is Insuraman; bitten by a radioactive red telephone and sent out into the world to turn your 3rd party into the best damn party you've ever been to. HOWEVER, my credibility was saved and Insuraman's destroyed with just the utterance of 3 beautiful words.

Insuraman: Let me check.

The hold music plays and I sing along to Adele like my life depends on it, Insuraman comes back on the phone right in the middle of a line:

Insuraman: Hello...

Me: the deeheeeep, hello.

Insuraman: Just a picture of the ring will be fine no fingers necessary.

Signing off with the title of a porno film, well played Insuraman, well played.


Now nothing is too good for my beloved, so we flew out to the Czech Republic in the highest form of class afforded to us by Easy Jet. DOOR SIDE SEATS BITCHES.

There is a table in the arm rest... THERE IS A TABLE IN THE ARM REST!!!


Fig1.1 Shows the dissection and cross-section of a table inside a MOTHERFLIPPING arm rest!!

Keep walking other passengers nothing to see here. What's that? Your tables are in the back of chairs HA I bet your TV screen only plays the picture of the plane. Why is that plane in that video so big? It's bigger than France, now I've only been to France a few times but it felt bigger than a plane, but I wouldn't like to assume. Always assume because it gets u and me some ass.


Now in my hand luggage on this particular trip was a ring worth more money than I would ask someone to pay if my life were up for ransom. J'arriving (French for arriving) onto the plane I noticed there was only room for one suitcase - Sophie's choice!! Do I risk putting my bag further down the plane or do I put it there and look un-chivalrous in front of the Lords and Ladies aboard flight EZ465. At that moment I heard a man burp and drop the C-bomb simultaneously, taking inspiration from him I rammed my bag in there like an aggressive Tetris player.

Now like many enlightened and modern women my future wife has taken to doing this thing where she requires feeding at least 3 times a day - it is nothing but time consuming - but I love her, what can I do? It was lunch time when we arrived into the hotel and the concierge (also French for receptionist) explained that our room would be about 5 minutes, perfect we will go up to the room and I will put it in the safe and...

Devil woman: Alex let's go for lunch and leave the bags here, in this lobby where many pass through and may steal the contents of the bag and ruin your entire life.'

Now this may not be verbatim what she said but it was along those lines.

Me: Can't we wait 5.

Her: No. I hate you and want you to sit at lunch and not enjoy a single mouthful of the braised duck, I want you to feel like every piece is choking you and at the end the duck stands up from the plate bites you in the tits and takes all your money.

She can be heartless.

But after a very relaxed lunch with the love of my life we returned to the hotel and...

The ring was safe

(The follow up movie to 'No fingers necessary')


Trying to pick what I want for my last ever lunch before potential suicide.