13/10/2017 10:48 BST | Updated 13/10/2017 10:49 BST

Travel - The Baby Edition

Long gone are the days of basking peacefully in the sun on an isolated beach in the Mediterranean, or the indulgent yet meditative afternoon walks down 5th Avenue exercising both legs and credit card. Gone are the days of sleeping in on holiday, reading a book (from start to end) or simply taking a nice long bath in some over priced hotel you booked for Valentine's Day.

Your childless days are over so for the next eighteen years some families longer you will be travelling 'with child' or what I like to call 'extra baggage' also known as 'the children'. With Pinterest personalities and Instafamilies jet setting around the world showing off their gorgeous but heavily curated snaps, it's only natural to get excited about your own well-anticipated adventure. The right part of your brain seeks inspiration and ideas from these mini pictures of art but the left part; the logic part is left thinking if we can survive the flight it's a miracle in itself.


Photo: Allex Parlato

You'll book a night flight one that's in sync with your child's sleep schedule only to have him sleep in the car on the way to the airport

You'll decide that you want to live as 'the people' live so you'll book a quirky bed and breakfast that has no laundry facilities, no kitchen and no hot water. Do not be discouraged, you'll use the headboard as a drying apparatus, eat out and shower occasionally.


Photo: Allex Parlato

You'll spend 30 quid on baby loafers 'for the full European experience', only to lose one of them to The Avenue des Champs-Élysées


Photo: Allex Parlato

You'll spend most of your time in Venice lifting strollers and luggage up and down the stairs only to establish that perhaps Venice isn't the most child friendly of cities, and that you probably won't be returning anytime soon.


Photo: Allex Parlato

You'll decide that in fact most places on your agenda other than the one you currently reside in don't feel very child friendly.

You'll go berry picking like they do in the movies however unlike the movies you and the berry picker will be left with a concerning rash like stain on your skin for the next week


Photo: Allex Parlato

Your child will adapt to the city and its pace a lot easier than you will


He will also prefer the European style of living (Late dinners, late lunches) and will continue to do so months after your holiday has ended

You will get one heavily curated "spontaneous picture" - only one


This will be your Facebook, Insta, WhatsApp Twitter profile for the next five years.

After living like a Scandinavian minimalist for the entire trip you'll arrive home, the change table you took for granted will feel like a luxury invention as will the early morning nursery drop offs you painfully crawl out of bed for and for a moment, a quite moment you will feel an overwhelming sense of calm, this is of course before you get back into the thick of things, then you'll be planning your next brave and strenuous adventure abroad.

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