How Adopted Children Inspired Their Parents To Help Others Become Families
How Adopted Children Inspired Their Parents To Help Others Become Families
Ellen Wallwork— The Huffington Post UK
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Shutterstock / BlueOrange Studio
When adoptive parents are matched with their children, they know their lives are about to change infinitely.
But for many building a relationship with their children also leads to a change in an area of their lives they didn’t envisage would be affected – their career.
“When I started thinking about adoption did I imagine it would lead to me changing my job? No way. Never,” says Hayley, 37, from Surrey, who adopted a three-year-old daughter in 2010 and now works as a Trusts Manager for the charity Adoption UK.
When Hayley saw the fundraising position advertised in 2014, she knew she had to go for it – despite it involving a three hour commute to Oxfordshire.
“I had worked for charities in the past, but never for one whose services I had used myself,” Hayley tells HuffPost UK Parents.
“Adoption is the ending to the dream of a family that you had wanted for so long, but it is also the start of something new - something brilliant, but also challenging, - so I know just how vital it is for adoptive parents to get the support they need.
“I was so excited by the idea of helping other parents find that support that even the prospect driving for six hours a day didn’t put me off.”
Hayley’s story isn’t unusual. About a quarter of Adoption UK’s staff are adoptive parents, as are eight of the 10 trustees. They also have more than 70 adoptive parent volunteers who run their network of local support groups and 31 trainers, all of who are adoptive parents.
“This clearly shows adoptive parents are drawn to jobs and volunteering at Adoption UK,” says Hugh Thornbery, the charity's chief executive.
“Adoptive parents’ own real life experiences are invaluable to us - and our members - as they help us to provide the very best information, guidance and support.
“Our community is connected by the need to understand the challenges of adoptive parenting and to celebrate the rewards together.”
Scott, 38, from Cambridgeshire, is a senior regional manager at Adoption UK. His job involves managing the regional managers who liaise with local authorities and run support groups.
"My team is made up of people from many different backgrounds, but we all have one thing in common that’s brought us to work for Adoption UK - and that's our children," he says.
Scott and his partner Tristan, 43, a railway customer service manager, have three adopted sons.
He had previously worked in retail and the service industry but gave up work in 2007 when his first two sons were placed for adoption and started working at Adoption UK in October 2014.
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Scott and Tristan
He is proud of the work the charity has done to ensure peer-to-peer support is available to adoptive parents when they need it most, and for campaigning on issues that affect all adopters: like the pupil premium, setting up the Adoption Support Fund and raising awareness of child on parent violence.
“Supporting prospective adopters is something I feel passionately about, as I know how overwhelming the process can be and how naïve Tristan and I were at the beginning,” he says.
“I know there were things we were told about that we forgot in our excitement at the prospect of being able to have children. And when we first brought the boys home it was a nightmare, because we were so underprepared.
“That’s why it is so important for adopters to take up roles within the company, to make sure that the adopters’ needs are understood.”
Hayley agrees that looking after adopted children presents a unique set of challenges for parents, and that's why other adoptive parents are so well placed to help them.
“A lot of people who have children will say things like: ‘Oh all children have tantrums and all children have bad days…’
“Well yeah, that’s true, but not all children are doing it because they’re scared you’re going to reject them and tell them they’ve got to go and live somewhere else.
“That’s what my daughter carries around and that’s why adoptive parents need extra support as they can't just be 'parenting' they need to do therapeutic parenting.
"Adopting has been massively more challenging than I ever imagined," Hayley adds.
"I was very used to it being just my husband and I, and suddenly we had a three–year-old - a confused, upset and angry three-year-old on our hands.
“But it has also been massively better than I ever hoped for.
“There’s nothing like the feeling when I collect her from school and she comes running towards me, saying 'mummy' and chucks her arms round me. That is the best thing in the world.
“And I'm just really proud to work for an organisation that is making it easier for adoptive parents to weather the lows and enjoy the highs.”
To find out more about Adoption UK visit adoptionuk.org.
What adoptive parents want their friends to know
1. Our Parenting Style Will Almost Certainly Be Different(01 of10)
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Yes, I know you'd put yours in a time out on the naughty step and withhold a sticker from her chart. But if my daughter has misbehaved as a consequence of believing she's had so many sets of parental figures in her short life because she's inherently unlovable, making her feel bad isn't going to help me change her mind. If you disagree, either keep quiet or ask me to lend you a book on it.
2. The Right Vocabulary To Use(02 of10)
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Just to get this straight from the start. I am my children's real mom. The people whose genes they share are their birth family. Clear? Good. Because making up bedtime stories, mending grazed knees and remembering which one hates tomatoes make me just as much a real parent as anyone else.Oh, and please drop the 'adopted' when introducing us to others. They're our children. Full stop.
3. We Often Feel Like Outsiders(03 of10)
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I'm well aware that for you, your mom's group is a chance for you to share everything with people who've been there. Marvelous. But our children are all over two now. Get over the birth and the boobs and move on!I have absolutely nothing to contribute to a conversation about epidurals or breast pumps, and would much rather find out about how to get blackberry stains out of the sofa.
5. Our Kids Can't Always Cope With Playing With Your Children(04 of10)
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Sometimes, things your family takes for granted are all a bit new and overwhelming for adopted children. Large groups of people can be scary. Lots of choices or several things happening at once can be hard to process. And a child who's had a traumatic start in life will respond in ways that worked for them before -- this might mean screaming, running away, becoming aggressive. They're not just 'being naughty', so your help in trying to keep things low-key and not too exciting would be great.
4. We Will Disappear Sometimes(05 of10)
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Especially for the first few months after the children move in. It's mainly about 'funneling' (making sure the adoptive parents are the only ones to meet the child's needs, to promote healthy attachment).It may also be sheer exhaustion as we cope with these hurting little people who have moved house again and are trying to understand it all. Later, it may still be that our children get overwhelmed with a situation (parties or visits to friends in particular) and we have to make a swift exit for the sake of everyone's sanity. Please don't be offended.
5. Sorry, It's Just Not Appropriate For You To Cuddle Our Kids(06 of10)
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First they lived with their birth family. Then in many cases they moved through several foster placements before moving in with their adoptive family. So they need to work out that their parents are the right people to go to for cuddles and reassurance, and that we can and will meet all their needs.I am very well aware that my fabulous children are gorgeous little cherubs and they might well be very willing to jump on your knee or accept your sweets, but please point them back to us until we let you know it's OK.
7. Yes, All Children Do X, But Not All The Time(07 of10)
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Toddler tantrums. Biting. Kicking. Screaming that they hate you. Yes, I know your children have done this, too. But many adopted children do this simultaneously and unceasingly for months on end. Yep, at the age of nine. Welcome to Planet Adoption.So please listen sympathetically while I tell you how extreme it is. And feel free to provide tea and cake with the shoulder to cry on.
8. We Have Good Reasons Why You Can't Take Pictures Of Our Kids(08 of10)
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Yes, we know it's a pain. We'd love to show off our little lamb/angel/fairy on Facebook, too. But there's a chance that a friend of a friend sees our child online or in a photo on your mantelpiece and puts two and two together, and suddenly birth-family members know where my children go to school and they are put at risk.
9. Some Things We Can't Explain(09 of10)
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Some things we do as the adoptive parents of previously abused or neglected children will be, well, idiosyncratic. Weird, if you prefer. Because it's not appropriate to tell you details of why they were removed from their birth family, we can't always explain why things have to be a certain way.
10. We Really Appreciate Your Support(10 of10)
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Not all our friends stick around when we adopt. Then there are those who do stick around and say and do things that aren't helpful.But if you want to be an adoptive parent's best friend, I have two more pieces of advice: bring chocolates round once the kids are in bed, and read all the books on adoption you can find. That would be wonderful.