Don't Try to Teach Your Baby to 'Self Settle' to Sleep!

The mainstay of almost all baby sleep training is the idea of teaching 'self soothing' or 'self settling'. This approach believes that if babies are put down 'drowsy but awake' and parents do not rush in to feed or rock when they wake, that the baby will learn to settle back to sleep without parental input.

Once a baby can self settle, parents are to believe that the baby will 'sleep through the night'. What they are actually implying, since no baby ever sleeps through the night due to extremely short sleep cycles, is that every time the baby wakes in the night (around 10 to 15 times, depending on age) they will be able to start a new sleep cycle alone.

This sounds like a sensible idea. If only it were true.

Babies are incapable of self soothing or self settling in the true sense. Sure, they can suck their thumb, stroke a lovey or take comfort from a dummy/pacifier. This is their limit though. It's like 'self soothing lite'. This 'self soothing lite' requires the baby to be in a position where everything is fine. If there are no problems, this 'self soothing lite' may work. If there are problems, it just doesn't.

As an adult, why did you wake last night? Aside from your baby waking you!

Perhaps a different, unexpected noise woke you

Perhaps your partner was snoring

Perhaps you needed to go to the toilet

Perhaps you woke with a dry throat and needed a drink

Perhaps you woke cold

Perhaps you woke hot

Perhaps it was too light

Perhaps it was too dark and you could see shadows that scared you

Perhaps you woke because of a nightmare

Perhaps you struggled to get back to sleep because of anxiety

Perhaps you struggled to get back to sleep for no known reason

Perhaps you were uncomfortable

Perhaps you were lonely, missing your partner

Perhaps you woke because you were in pain

Perhaps you woke because you felt sick.

The list is endless and unique.

Why do babies wake? I suspect the list looks pretty similar to that above. With the important addition of 'hunger'.

So, as an adult, how could you fix the problems that caused you to wake?

You could investigate and stop the noise

You could go to the toilet and return back to bed 'clean'

You could go to the kitchen and make yourself a drink

You could add blankets or a thicker duvet or add clothing

You could swap the duvet for a sheet or change clothing for something cooler

You could open or close the window or fiddle with the air con or heating

You could turn a lamp on or off

You could breathe deeply and remind yourself "it's only a dream"

You could call a friend, check Facebook, write a diary or practice relaxation/meditation

You could give up on sleep and get up for an hour or two

You could call your partner, or ask them to come up to bed with you

You could take a painkiller tablet or medication

Now, how many of these can babies do? The answer is "none". What do babies do? They cry. They cry for us, as adults, to help them. Because they cannot "self soothe" and do any of these things. Sure they can suck their thumb or stroke a lovey, but how many of the above will this help?

Babies are incapable of true 'self soothing'. They cannot fix problems alone. They need our help.

Now, throw in some sleep training that includes getting them to fall asleep drowsy but awake. How do you think that helps them to resolve the problems above? If they can't resolve the problems but the sleep training makes them quiet what is really happening? If they lay alone in their crib, not crying, but still experiencing a problem that they are incapable of fixing are they really calm, contented, happy and "a good sleeper"? Or perhaps have they learned that if they cry you do not come to fix their problem(s), so they may as well not bother? Is this perhaps what really happens when we mistakenly believe we can teach them to "self settle" and "self soothe"?

p.s: If you would like to improve your baby's sleep without attempting to teach them to 'self soothe', check out my Gentle Sleep Book, or sign up for my totally free weekly newsletter.

Can't Sleep? This Might Be Why

You're Trying Too Hard(01 of08)

Falling asleep is a mind game. According to a 2003 study by University of Glasgow researchers, instead of lying in bed trying to fall asleep, lie in bed and try to stay awake. Forcing yourself to stay awake is exhausting and will therefore put you to sleep faster. But if that doesn’t work within 20 minutes, get out of bed, says Bustle. Staying in bed longer than that increases anxiety around not being able to fall asleep, which reinforces not being able to fall asleep. Go back to bed when you feel tired. (credit:GalinaPhoto via Getty Images)

Blue Is A Good Colour For Daytime, But Night... (02 of08)

The blue light of computers, phones and tablets can trick your brain into thinking it’s still daylight outside. This in turn messes with your body’s rhythm and signals the brain to suppress melatonin. Melatonin is a hormone that basically sets your body in motion for sleep. The only technological interactions you should have on your bed in relation to sleep is a sleep tracker, if you want. (credit:Giakita via Getty Images)

You've Gotta Work It Out (03 of08)

Increasing the intensity of your workout, or working out close to the end of the day could be affecting your sleep. High-intensity workouts could be causing acute fatigue in your muscles. And working out close to your bedtime could leave you feeling too wired and amped up to get to rest. Take note of your body - if you find yourself feeling more irritable or not feeling rested, it’s time to re-evaluate. (credit:JGI/Jamie Grill via Getty Images)

You're Eating Instead Of Snoozing (04 of08)

Sometimes you get the nighttime munchies and that’s okay — as long as you’re eating the right things (like cherries, milk or a protein). In fact, a pre-bedtime snack could stabilize your blood sugar and help you feel more rested as a result. But if you’re craving something sweet, salty or high-fat, you’re probably just sleepy. Also, avoid taking vitamins before bed because they could give you a little boost of energy. (credit:zaretskaya via Getty Images)

You're All Over The Place At Night (05 of08)

Set a night routine and stick to it. This will train your brain to recognize each step as triggers for falling asleep, according to The Huffington Post U.S. Whatever it includes, be it brushing your teeth, washing your face or taking a shower, each step should be consistent every night. Things like preparing for the next day in terms of clothes and meals should be done well before the bedtime routine starts. (credit:PeopleImages via Getty Images)

You Need Time To Unwind Your Mind(06 of08)

Take a few moments for quiet reflection. This can be as simple as thinking out the highs and lows of the day or some meditation but winding down your brain is important to releasing the stresses of the day and helping you sleep better. To-do lists, however, should be taken care of earlier in the day. At this point, you should start checking in with your body and be mindful of your breathing. (credit:zxvisual via Getty Images)

Your Bedroom Is Multitasking (07 of08)

Studies show that keeping a cool (about 18 degrees) and dark room is good for you and your sleep. Banish everything from your room that you can that isn't related to sleeping. Per HuffPost U.S., make your bed as inviting as possible, which means making your bed every morning and washing sheets every couple of weeks. Who doesn't love extra pillows too? (credit:Pete Barrett via Getty Images)

You're Not Being True To Your Sleep Self(08 of08)

If you’re an eight hour-a-nighter, a five hour-a-nighter or a segmented sleeper find a sleep schedule that works for your body and your life. Most people need seven to nine hours of sleep a night. Once you've found your routine, stick to it and hold yourself accountable. Sleep is a vital part of good health and well-being, and you deserve it all. (credit:Michael Bodge via Getty Images)

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