There is something crazed and stressful about getting up in the night with children, and my wife and I tend to say angry, spiteful and sometimes crazy things when sleep-deprived.
These statements are very different from the way we speak to each other during the day. Both of us realise that what we are saying is drafted somewhere between dream and reality, and not representative of our regular feelings towards each other or the kids.
Therefore, we decided early in our marriage to not hold grudges because of what was said in the night to each other or the kids.
Below are a few examples.
'It's your turn. I was just up for an hour listening to Norah cry and your stupid snoring. You sound like you're dying.'
If you slam one more door I'm going to take all the doors off the hinges and shove them up your butt.
'Turn off the bathroom light! You don't need light to pee! I pee in the dark all the time.'
'I left Norah's wet pull-up in her bed. Or maybe I put it in the laundry. I don't know... I'm too tired. Will you figure it out?'
'I don't know where Bun-Bun is and I don't care. Go to sleep. I've been up for over an hour with you. If you don't go to sleep, I'm going to find Bun-Bun and light him on fire.'
'I don't know if there's a trailer or something, but the pee is everywhere.'
'He won't sleep because his bum burns. It's probably because of his nappy rash. Can we just pack it with ice... or something?'
'Tristan, I love you, but if you don't go to sleep, I might die. Is that what you want? For me to die, because I feel like I'm dying. Do you even care?'
'Stop screaming! It's making my head explode.'
Thanks for getting up with her. It makes me want you. I'm too tired, but I wanted you to know about it.
'The baby just pooed on my hand and you keep letting off. It smells like hell. I swear, if you fart one more time I'm going to kill you.'
'Tristan wet the bed. I took off his pants and put down some towels. It's cool.'
'Listen, I know that your tummy hurts. I get that. But you need to puke in the bowl... okay? It's not that hard. Just stick your stupid face in there and let out your stupid puke into the stupid bowl!'
'Why am I crying?! Because every time I fall asleep the baby cries, or you kick me, or Norah asks for a blanket. Every time! This is why parents drive into the ocean.'
'Sometimes, when I'm up with the kids like this, it feels like I'm in a dark hole.'
'You are seven years old! Get your own drink of water. What you are scared of in the kitchen isn't half as frightening as what I'm about to become.'
What are some of the crazy things you say in the night?
Clint Edwards blogs at No Idea What I'm Doing: A Daddy Blog. Follow him on Facebook. He tweets @byClintEdwards.
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