Channel 4's First Dates: Woman With Bipolar Disorder On Why She 'Feels Sorry' For Potential Boyfriends | HuffPost Life

What It's Like To Date If You Have Bipolar Disorder

Natasha Hinde— The Huffington Post UK

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Dating is hard. Dating with bipolar disorder is a different story altogether.

This is something that Rebecca, 28, knows all too well. The foodie and fitness-lover is set to star on Channel 4's series First Dates on 24 September.

In an insightful interview with HuffPost UK Lifestyle, she opens up about what it's really like to date when you have a mental illness and why she "feels sorry" for potential love interests.

"I often feel like I have to wear a mask," Rebecca reveals. "But why should I? I know people say that the stigma is going, but I still feel like people have an old-fashioned opinion of bipolar disorder."

Rebecca will star on Channel 4's First Dates at 10pm

Bipolar disorder is a condition that affects moods. People experience two very different sides to it: depression, where you feel very low and lethargic, and mania, where you feel very excitable and high.

"It's hard, it's tiring and you're always worrying about something," explains Rebecca. "I worry about what people will think of me when they know I have this illness.

"Will they think of me as weak? Or less able to do the job or make the correct decision? Will they think I am mad?

"I wouldn't wish this illness on my most hated enemy. But, somehow, I get by without people noticing. That's thanks to my medication and my amazing family."

Rebecca was diagnosed with bipolar disorder two years ago.

"I've been suffering with depression since I was 18," she explains. "I had been in and out of therapy for a while, before I was finally diagnosed with having bipolar disorder."

Rebecca suffered a nervous breakdown following the breakup of her parents. Worried for her health, Rebecca's sister urged her to go to the doctors who then referred her to a psychiatrist. They then confirmed she had bipolar disorder.

"I think the reason why it took so long to be diagnosed with having it is because no one really reports their 'happier periods' or their manic cycles," she says. "It's great, why would you think anything would be wrong?"

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When it comes to holding down a relationship, things can become very difficult.

"It has affected relationships in the past," she says. "I carry a lot of guilt, I feel like my partners suffer more than me, I can be so nasty and unrecognisable.

"I say things that are so mean, I hate myself so much and I want them to hate me as much as I hate myself, so I do horrible things. I push them... I want a reaction.

"My last relationship ended very dramatically and it was before I was diagnosed, but looking back now I can see that it was a classic case example of bipolar."

At the time, Rebecca was living with her partner in Dubai.

"We were all very happy, but I was in one of my moods one evening and we started talking," she says. "Forty five minutes later we had broken up and I was packing all my stuff up.

"I got on a flight to London that same evening."

For Christine Northam, counsellor for relationships charity Relate, mental illness doesn't make you undateable.

"If a person has been diagnosed with a mental health problem then it will likely impact a relationship," she says. "But many couples who I've worked with do manage to come through it - however they may benefit by getting support and there is plenty of that out there."

For couples who are having issues Northam suggests, first and foremost, seeking therapy together.

"Look at the bigger picture," she says. "Pick up on all the positive things that there are about the relationship and don't lose count of all the peripheral things that are good about your relationship. Many couples go through tricky times and they come out stronger."

In cases like Rebecca's, where a decision has been made in a heated environment, Northam suggests "giving yourself ten minutes to calm down" by leaving the room and practising deep breathing.

She adds that people should ask themselves: "Is the action that I'm taking the best? Is there a way forward? Because I'm feeling so angry, am I actually discounting that there's a possible way we could take our relationship further without abandoning ship?"

"Make your departure if you really have to," she says, "but in a more positive way rather than in a dramatic one where you've burnt all of your bridges.

"Otherwise you never give yourself a chance to know whether there was a possible way forward because you've flown into anger prematurely."

Story continues below...

The Facts About Depression Symptoms

Negative Feelings (01 of15)

Do you have persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness that have lingered for at least two weeks and occur throughout the day, every day or nearly every day? Are these feelings interfering with school or work, or your relationships? This is a key symptom of clinical depression. We all have negative thoughts from time to time, and it’s natural to be sad when there is a serious event in our lives, like a death. The difference with clinical depression is that the feelings stick around and interfere with your ability to live your life day to day. (credit:Shuji Kobayashi via Getty Images)

Fatigue(02 of15)

Many people with depression find it difficult to get out of bed — and we're not just talking about hitting the snooze button. For some, getting up seems nearly impossible. They may also find themselves spending unusual amounts of time in bed throughout the day, or having trouble with normal activities because of fatigue. (credit:digitalskillet via Getty Images)

Changes In Sleeping Patterns (03 of15)

As tired as you may be, if you’re depressed you might also have trouble sleeping. Marked changes in sleeping patterns, like insomnia or increased time spent sleeping, is another symptom of clinical depression. (credit:Casarsa via Getty Images)

Changes In Appetite (04 of15)

Some people either gain or lose weight when they have clinical depression because of their change in appetite. For some, this means an increase in appetite and possibly weight gain as a result. Others lose their appetite and struggle to eat much at all. In either case, a significant change is worth investigating. (credit:Sami Sarkis via Getty Images)

Loss Of Interest In Fun Activities (05 of15)

We all have times when we feel a bit more introverted than usual, but when people have clinical depression, they can lose the sense of pleasure they used to get from their favourite activities or from engaging with others. This isolation can make it harder for friends and loved ones to see the other symptoms of depression a person may be exhibiting, which makes it more difficult to know when a person needs help. (credit:David Ryle via Getty Images)

Difficulty Concentrating (06 of15)

It’s more often thought of as a symptom of ADHD, but an inability to concentrate or hold focus on one’s activities can be a sign of clinical depression. Of course, if someone with clinical depression is also having trouble sleeping, not eating well or has lost interest in regular activities, this symptom can be amplified. (credit:kieferpix via Getty Images)

Suicidal Thoughts (07 of15)

This is the most serious symptom of depression, says Dr. Joe Taravella, a psychologist and the supervisor of Rusk’s Pediatric Psychology Service at NYU-Langone Medical Center in New York. “When you’re severely depressed, suicidal thoughts can become so prominent, you begin to make a plan for ending your life, as you feel there are no other options.” If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, seek help or tell a trusted person in your life and ask for help — call your doctor, call 911, or go to an emergency room. And never assume that a person who talks about suicide won’t do it. If someone tells you they are feeling suicidal or discusses plans to end their life, always take it seriously and get help. (credit:AlexRaths via Getty Images)

Chronic Irritability (08 of15)

“Many people don’t realize that low levels of chronic irritability and anger can mask an underlying depression,” Taravella says, “which can be undiagnosed and untreated for years.” A study released last year found that more than half of men and women who were experiencing a major depressive episode reported irritability as a symptom. Constant irritability is also a symptom of depression seen in teenagers and children, one that could be written off as normal growing pains or teenage behaviour. (credit:Thomas Barwick via Getty Images)

Physical Pain(09 of15)

Yes, depression can literally hurt. There is increasing recognition of the physical symptoms of depression, which include headaches, stomach pain, and back pain. One study found half of patients with depression from around the world reported unexplained physical symptoms. But because these physical symptoms are often vague or have no logical explanation, they can be missed as as symptom of depression. (credit:JGI/Jamie Grill via Getty Images)

Lack Of Daily Hygiene (10 of15)

For people with severe depression, basic tasks of self care can seem too overwhelming to undertake, Taravella says. As well, personal hygiene may seem unimportant if you are feeling hopeless or worthless. If someone in your life is showing a marked decrease in personal hygiene, don’t assume they are simply lazy. (credit:Canonzoom via Getty Images)

Memory Problems (11 of15)

Going along with trouble with concentration, people with clinical depression often have memory issues that can add to their difficulties in maintaining day-to-day activities. “As a result of these symptoms, they are more likely to become inattentive to their environment and prone to falls and injuries,” he adds. A 2013 study found that this could be because clinical depression impairs the process of “pattern separation,” which is the ability to distinguish between things and experiences that are similar. (credit:Simon Winnall via Getty Images)

Harmful Activities (12 of15)

Some people who show signs of depression engage in what Taravella refers to as “externalizing behaviours,” which include substance abuse and risk-taking activities. Men are more likely to do it, he says. These behaviours can be a sign of an underlying mental-health problem, particularly if they’re out of the ordinary for the individual. (credit:Daniel Grizelj via Getty Images)

If You Think You Have Symptoms Of Depression (13 of15)

“If you recognize symptoms of depression, take action and immediately seek professional help,” Taravella advises. There are valuable resources out there, he says, including psychotherapy and antidepressants. Many people also find some relief with meditation and exercise, often in conjunction with other treatments. It can be difficult to navigate the process of finding the right help, especially if you are having trouble just getting out of bed. Try talking to a trusted friend or family member who can help you research options and even call a therapist for you. (credit:Paul Bradbury via Getty Images)

Once You Start Your Treatment(14 of15)

It can take time for depression treatments to start making a difference, which is frustrating when you've taken the difficult step of admitting you need help. But while you work on medication and/or therapy, there are things you can do. Be as active as you can, Taravella says, and try to see friends. “Create small goals for yourself each week but don’t put a lot of pressure on yourself,” he suggests. While it can take time for depression symptoms to begin to lift, it may be worth seeking different treatment options if you are not seeing any improvement after two months. (credit:moodboard via Getty Images)

How To Help Someone With Depression (15 of15)

“The best way to help someone who is depressed is to be a constant source of support for them,” Taravella says. This can sometimes be difficult, however, because people with depression tend to isolate themselves despite your efforts to stay in touch and/or get involved. You may also be able to help someone by making a doctor’s appointment for them. It’s a simple task to request an appointment, but for someone who is severely depressed it can seem incredibly daunting. (credit:PeopleImages.com via Getty Images)

Living with bipolar disorder doesn't just affect partners, but it affects friends and family too.

"It's hard because people don't understand what it's like to have this illness," says Rebecca. "There's no pattern to it and you can never predict how you will feel in a week's time.

"Friends don't understand when you bail on them and loved ones feel helpless. Oh and did I mention the guilt you feel with having to bail on your friends and making your loved ones feel helpless?!"

Rebecca is set to star on Channel 4's First Dates on 24 September at 10pm. She says that having bipolar is a huge part of her life, something which she wouldn't want to hide on a first date.

"I would always tell someone I have bipolar on a first date," she says. "It is who I am and it does come out to play a lot. It's not fair otherwise. I would like to think that my date would tell me if he had an illness."

She says that while her illness hasn't discouraged her from approaching a date in the past, she does end up feeling sorry for them.

"I feel sorry that they are going to have to deal with me," she adds.

But despite the emotional turmoil of dating and the need for honesty that comes hand-in-hand with it, things are on the up for Rebecca who now has a boyfriend.

"It could be my First Dates boy! You'll have to watch and find out," she teases.

Rebecca also has out some sound advice for those in a similar position, who might be disheartened by the dating scene.

"You're not the only one out there," she says.

"Dating is a game, remember not to take it personally. Surprisingly, I find that once you open up you find that people have been affected by it in one way or another.

"If someone is so close-minded that they can't accept bipolar disorder then you're better off without them."

Rebecca will be on Channel 4's First Dates on 24 September. Watch the series every Thursday at 10pm

Useful websites and helplines:
Samaritans, open 24 hours a day, on 08457 90 90 90
Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393
Get Connected is a free advice service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994; email: help@getconnected.org.uk or visit the website getconnected.org.uk
Young Minds offers information to young people about mental health and emotional wellbeing
HopeLine runs a confidential advice helpline if you are a young person at risk of suicide or are worried about a young person at risk of suicide. Mon-Fri 10-5pmand 7pm-10pm. Weekends 2pm-5pm on 0800 068 41 41
HeadMeds - a straight-talking website on mental health medication

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