Sexless Relationship? Here's How The Internet Deals With That | HuffPost Life

How To Deal With A Terrible Sex Life, According To The Internet

Natasha Hinde— The Huffington Post UK

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There may come a point, in any relationship, when libido reaches an all-time low and sex becomes (almost) non-existent.

The reasons can range from differing sex drives between two people, to being overworked and exhausted, to having children or just not having the time.

It can shatter self esteem and make even the strongest person emotionally drained.

Often, there's no one to turn to for advice.

On Reddit, thousands are submitting their sexless stories to the sub group 'Dead Bedrooms', some of which are utterly heartbreaking.

But it's not all doom and gloom because while these people might be having problems in their relationship, they are able to look to the internet for help.

And the internet - as always - is offering its support.

By baconstripsandrum

We aren't married yet, wedding is set for December 2015. We are still renting as the area we live and work in is so expensive that nothing short of an inheritance will be enough for a deposit. No kids yet either and sex happens about once every three and a half weeks or so. Not super dead but it's currently on life support.
I'm only 25 and I know if I stay then we will get married have kids and sex will stop forever. Eventually at 35 I'll realise that divorce isn't an option as I'll end up with nothing and probably kill myself because its the easy way out.
I know I'm unhappy, I know it will get worse and I just don't know how to leave. Hell I've never even broken up with a girl before!

And the internet answers...

"Here are your choices: Horrible end or endless horror. Easy pick," says strandedship.

"Don't walk, boy. Run and don't look back. It's not really only about you. It's about saving lives - your life, her life, and lives of kids that you'd have that would grow up in an unhealthy environment."

SEE ALSO:
Cheating Men Reveal The Most Annoying 'Excuses' Their Partners Give For Not Having Sex
20 Simple Sex Tips To Spice Things Up In The Bedroom

By KatieEatsCats

My husband and I have been married for about three months now, and we only knew each other in person about a month before that. We had chatted online and Skyped so when we met I thought his lack of interest in me (sexually) was just jet lag, or shyness.
When we began having sex, it happened about once every three days, and after a month of so it devolved into once every week. Now we have sex about once every two weeks and nothing I do seems to help. I dress up in sexy lingerie, and give him massages. He tells me that anything I do that is sexually "overt" turns him off.
Our marriage is already having a lot of problems and I don't know what to do. Lately he just goes out to the bar and I stay home, he comes home when the bars close.
I don't want to be a failure at this, I feel like I am extremely undesirable to him. I have a really high sex drive and if I masturbate without asking his permission he gets upset. But I know that if I do ask it will just disgust him. I want to fix it, but I feel like the ball is in his court.
What should I do?

"Why not take a break?" says RR_4150.

"Put the marriage on hold and move out. Move in with a friend or your mom, but just get out of that house. Move gradually back toward an intimate relationship, step by step."

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Sex Tips For Overly Busy People

Make Any Day Special (01 of32)

Kristina Wright, author of Bedded Bliss: A Couple’s Guide to Lust Ever After, points out that you don’t have to wait for anniversaries or birthdays to have so-called special sex. Any day can be special, including the anniversary of the first time you made out, the day you've finally potty trained your youngest child, or just because it’s Tuesday. "Whatever it takes, whenever you can manage it, celebrate this crazy, messy, busy life you’ve created together — celebrate any time you can,” Wright says. (credit:Justin Horrocks via Getty Images)

Get Out Of The House(02 of32)

It’s tempting to just bunker down and stay in when the weather starts to get chilly, but the problem is that your home has so many things that distract you from alone time: dishes, kids, computers, and even the television. Find a way to physically remove yourself from the things that keep you from making time for each other. Try checking into a nearby hotel for a night or even a local Airbnb spot. (credit:XiXinXing via Getty Images)

Shower Together (03 of32)

Napping baby? Head to the bathroom and get clean (or dirty) together, Wright suggests. It doesn't have to end in sex — all that matters is the time spent alone together, and the re-connection from touch. As a bonus, you can save time and water! (credit:Randy Faris/Fuse via Getty Images)

Bring In An Expert(04 of32)

Sometimes it’s hard to think of ways to reignite the spark when your mind is full of tasks and to-do lists from your busy day. After Nine Tonight, a site run by a husband-and-wife team who've dealt with their own issues around a stalled sex life, offers sex tips that could give you some ideas. (credit:RubberBall Productions via Getty Images)

Don't Dismiss The Quickie (05 of32)

Yes, it’s nice to have an entire evening together, but sometimes there just isn't time for an extended romantic rendezvous. Sex doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing event. A quickie can remove the pressure from those, “Oh god, it’s been XX days since we've done it” thoughts in your head, and remind you how much you enjoy spending time together. (credit:Musketeer via Getty Images)

Schedule Sex(06 of32)

No, it’s not very romantic to literally make an appointment to get naked with your partner, but is it less romantic than not having the time at all? “No matter how busy you are at work or what sort of responsibilities are distracting you at home, you know you'll have one-on-one time with your love,” says Lori Bizzoco, founder of Cupid’s Pulse. "Turn off your phones, shut the door, and focus on each other." (credit:Compassionate Eye Foundation/Gabriela Medina via Getty Images)

Constantly Kindle The Flame(07 of32)

Don’t wait until you’re about to have sex to get romantic, advises Heidi Shimberg, co-author of the upcoming book CoupleCEO. "Send romantic and titillating texts or emails randomly throughout the day and week,” Shimberg suggests. "This will make each partner excited and eager for the time to be intimate; they will be extremely less likely to skip being intimate.” (credit:Image Source via Getty Images)

But Don't Forget Intimacy(08 of32)

It’s hard to get revved up for sex when you’re feeling disconnected from your partner. Don’t forget to work on your intimacy as well, in big and little ways. Send a quick note during the day, or text just to say you’re thinking of your spouse. Make a point of touching more often. Talk about how you’re feeling and where you’re struggling. Fostering those connections will make it easier to make sex a priority, and remind you why you’re with this person in the first place. (credit:ImagesBazaar via Getty Images)

Make A Sexual Bucket List(09 of32)

Are there things you've always wanted to do in bed, or want to do again? Work on your sexual bucket list together, Wright says, and go to it when you find yourself with some time to spend on it. (credit:Jacobs Stock Photography via Getty Images)

Simplify (10 of32)

Not every surface in your house has to be spotless. Not every meal has to be made from scratch. If hiring a bi-weekly cleaner and ordering takeout on Fridays means you have more time for each other, so be it. Sometimes you have to spend money to make whoopee. (credit:Eastphoto via Getty Images)

Turn Off The Big Black Box(11 of32)

Do you have time to watch "Scandal?" Then you have time to get busy! Set the DVR and get to it. We think Olivia Pope would approve. (credit:GeorgeRudy via Getty Images)

NEXT: 20 Sex Tips For Men(12 of32)

Talk About Sex (13 of32)

As time passes in a relationship, it’s easy to get into a rut and just go through the motions, rather than express what you really want (and need) in bed. Sex therapist Williams Lucena, FMD, says it’s time to break this cycle with some frank talk. “Ask each other, ‘What do I need in bed from you?’” he suggests. “Get back to the communication you used to have.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Eat Healthy (14 of32)

This doesn’t sound like a sex tip, but treating your body right with good nutrition helps the whole body, including your libido, says Debbie Mandel, a stress management expert and author of Addicted to Stress. “Eat healthy foods to reduce cholesterol and keep your cardiovascular system humming,” she adds. “This will ensure that circulation is at peak performance for the ‘southern hemisphere.’” (credit:Shutterstock)

Pick Up Some Chores (15 of32)

Want to put your partner in the mood for better sex? “Help around the house,” says Mandel. “The best foreplay happens outside the bedroom. By helping with chores and errands, you make them feel valued.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Exercise (16 of32)

Few things will get you ready to satisfy women quite like getting in regular exercise each day, says Matthew N. Simmons, MD, PhD, of the Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute in Cleveland. “Even as little as 15 minutes of exercise daily will improve self-esteem, self-image, and libido,” he says. “Exercise makes the physical aspects of sex more enjoyable. Furthermore, making exercise a habit promotes cardiovascular health, which is necessary for normal erectile function.” (credit:Shutterstock)

But Don't Over Do It (17 of32)

But don’t overdo it. Too much exercise can have the opposite effect, says Pete McCall, MS, an exercise physiologist with the American Council on Exercise. “Being in an overtraining state produces general feelings of fatigue and low energy and can disrupt sleep patterns and change mood,” he says. “This is hardly a good combination for wooing a romantic partner.” (credit:Shutterstock)

In Fact, Work Out Together (18 of32)

If exercise is good, then exercising with your lover is an even better sex tip, says Mandel. “Working out together ensures that both libidos and endorphins will be up,” she says. “Since you’re both already sweating, take it to the next level. Stretching together is also a good idea.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Abstain A Bit(19 of32)

Abstinence as a sex tip? Believe it or not, it’s a surefire way to improve sex and make your next encounter with your lover even more exciting. “Practice abstinence for a couple of days, a weekend, or a week,” says Mandel. “Abstinence does make the heart grow fonder and makes you lust after forbidden fruit.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Plan For Sex (20 of32)

It may not sound that romantic, but Dr. Simmons says it’s a great way to improve your sex life and satisfy women. Construct a plan for having sex, he suggests: “Setting aside time or arranging opportunities for sex is very important, especially for busy couples or those with children. Don’t let the frequency of sex dwindle due to fatigue or the inability to find the ‘right time.’” (credit:Shutterstock)

Send Your Partner A Text(21 of32)

Make use of technology. Want to keep her in the mood for sex later that night while you’re stuck at the office? Use your cell phone or e-mail. “Send her sexy messages throughout the day,” advises Mandel. (credit:Shutterstock)

Compliment Her (22 of32)

Want a foolproof way to drive her wild and ensure better sex? “Find a particular feature, and tell her that she is the best in this class,” says Mandel. (credit:Shutterstock)

Focus On Relaxation (23 of32)

Men like to get excited for better sex, but women are more likely to get in the mood through relaxation. “Wash her hair in the shower or massage her scalp to relax her,” says Debbie Mandel, a stress management expert and author of Addicted to Stress. “A woman needs to be relaxed before she is ready to receive.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Foreplay(24 of32)

Regardless of how you get revved up for better sex, Matthew N. Simmons, MD, PhD, of the Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute in Cleveland, suggests not skimping on the foreplay — no matter how long you have been together as a couple. “Foreplay contributes greatly to stronger orgasms and improved sex,” he says. “Gearing up your autonomic nervous system will increase sensitivity, excitement, and strength of orgasm. Your patience and attentiveness will pay dividends.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Think Like Your Partner (25 of32)

Natalie Bencivenga, co-founder, editor, and writer of twodaymag.com, advises thinking like a woman. “To think like a woman in bed, you don’t have to be one,” she says. “Give attention to some of her most neglected areas, like her neck, her feet, her inner thighs. Tease her mercilessly. Make her want it. You will be surprised what a build-up will bring!” (credit:Shutterstock)

Let Them Take The Lead (26 of32)

Men so often take the lead in bed. Sometimes, the key to better sex is letting her be in charge. “Don’t be afraid to let your mate lead,” says Joyce Morley, EdD, a licensed counsellor in Decatur, Ga. “Allow your mate to initiate sexual pleasure on occasions, as well as taking the top position.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Don't Overlook Lubricant (27 of32)

According to Bencivenga, there’s no shame in using lubricant to satisfy women. “Many guys think that since women get wet, if we aren’t wet, then we aren’t into it,” she says. “That’s not true. Sometimes, whether it’s stress, certain times of the month, or fatigue, women can have a hard time getting physically aroused even when they are mentally in the game. Lubricant in the bedside drawer is your new best friend.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Switch It Up(28 of32)

If you’re experiencing a case of the “same-old, same-old,” working on adding a little variety is the key to better sex, says Simmons. “Spice things up by planning and discussing variations on your usual sexual habits,” he explains. “Lingerie, toys, new positions, and other creative additions can enhance intimacy and orgasm.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Change Locations (29 of32)

Another way to add variety and improve sex life, suggests Mandel, is to try some place new. “Do it in different places to experience a different energy,” she says. “Take it outdoors if you are overwhelmed with technology and want to get back your natural rhythm.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Just Don't Have Sex, Make Love (30 of32)

Does it feel lately like it’s just sex? “Try making love,” advises Dr. Morley. “You make love with that special someone, but you have sex with anybody.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Use Touch Even Without Sex (31 of32)

Even when you’re not having sex, you can still improve your sex life by using touch in an intimate, but not sexual, way. “Touching is important, but doesn't always mean sex,” says Morley. “It is important to be intimate with your mate by touching her with love and affection on a daily basis. Kiss daily, and don’t be afraid to allow her to reciprocate.” (credit:Shutterstock)

Take Care Of Your Penis (32 of32)

“Take good care of your penis,” says Dr. Simmons. “Penile injury is usually sustained when your partner is on top or when the penis buckles from missed penetration. If things are getting out of hand, ask your partner to ease up. If you suspect a penile fracture due to a perceived ‘pop’ followed by bruising, see a urologist immediately.” (credit:Shutterstock)

By dizziedawgie

Hi. I'm 23 and my boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years and living together for 8 months. Lately I feel like my libido has been becoming more of an issue and I don't know what to do. We love each other. We're affectionate to each other.
I'm very attracted to him and I'm fairly sure the feeling is mutual. I just am very rarely 'in the mood'. The only time I every get horny is on my period or right before which isn't very conducive to sexy times.
He's always been super patient and understanding but he's brought it up a few times now that he wishes/thought sex would be more frequent living together (we've been kind of long distance before living together).
I agree with him that I thought it would also. I'm fairly certain that the problem is my hormonal birth control that I'm not. The few times that I've been off the pill or before my IUD I was super horny all the time.
The problem is, I'm terrified of going off my birth control and we don't particularly like condoms. I do not want a kid right now and going without birth control would scare me every time we had sex.
Any advice at all for improvement? I really wish I wanted sex more but at best I'm apathetic. I'm typically more good to go first thing in the morning but work and sleep make it difficult to do it at that time.

The internet's response?

"Two things. First, I'll be sympathetic - hormonal birth control can absolutely wreck libido. Get it changed or get rid of it. Yes, condoms suck, but if you don't want a kid you use one," says marriedscoundrel.

"Now here's where I'm not sympathetic. 'We're affectionate to each other. I'm very attracted to him and I'm fairly sure the feeling is mutual. I just am very rarely in the mood.'

"F*ck everything about this. We're human beings with free will. There's no such thing as 'I wish I could...' Either you do it or you don't. I don't see anything in your post but excuses.

"I can wake up tomorrow morning and say I'm not 'in the mood' to go to work... sure I woke up on time, I've got gas in my car, the highways are clear... but oh man I ate too much turkey and I just don't feel like working.

"You think I can call in to work and say 'sorry, I'm not in the mood to work today'? Fuck no. They're going to say get your ass to work and do your job. If you don't feel like it, we'll find someone who does.

"When it comes to the sexual aspect of your relationship, make no mistake, you are failing. Because you 'don't feel like it'."

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By John-doh

Very happily married for seven years now, we're each others best friends. But three kids between 2 and 5 obviously hamper things, and our work schedules are pretty much opposite. I work early in the morning until late afternoon, which is when she starts work.
Sunday morning is pretty much our only sexy time, and that's only if the kids cooperate. Even then, its rarely more than a quickie. When we used to sleep naked and wake each other up at anytime for sex, with pretty enthusiastic participation from either party, it's a little upsetting to think how far we are from our younger days.
Basically we're down to a couple of times a month at best, or we could go 6 to 8 weeks without at worst.
The reason I'm posting is that I want to broach the subject with her, but want to do it right. We talk about pretty much everything but sex. She's a very reserved lover, nothing kinky about her. She's quite shy about talking about this kind of thing, so I don't want to embarrass her and possibly influence what should be a pretty honest conversation.
I love her very much, and would never consider leaving her. How do I talk to her about this without making it weird?

JohnathanTuttle says: "Coming from a guy in a very similar situation to yours (only with a 14 and an almost 18 year old), who is quickly coming up on nine months since the wife and I were last together... I don't have an answer, but don't you stop trying to find one.

"You could just try cuddling up to her some Sunday morning with no ulterior motives and mention that you miss being with her - yes, you know the kids and the schedules and all, but you just miss that together time. See if you spark a conversation from that."

Story continues below...

The 13 Best Sex Toys For Your Most Adventurous Friends (Or Yourself)

Jimmyjane Form 6 G3 Vibrator(01 of10)

$175 at Babeland

Burning Desire Soy Massage Oil Candle(02 of10)

$24 at Pure Romance

Ben Wa Balls(03 of10)

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Liberator Heart Wedge Pillow(04 of10)

$75 at Babeland

Dust Me Pink Kissable Body Powder(05 of10)

$16 at Pure Romance

Fifty Shades of Grey Submit to Me Beginners Bondage Kit(06 of10)

$56 at Babeland

Whipped Creamy Lubricant(07 of10)

$18 at Pure Romance

Kandi Kisses Vibrator(08 of10)

$59 at Babeland

Position of the Day Expert Playing Cards(09 of10)

Butterfly C-Ring With Bullet(10 of10)

$19 at Pure Romance

Sex and relationship expert, Tracey Cox says that in an ideal world, all high sex drive people would go out with high sex drive people and all low desire people would do likewise.

"Believe me, your sex lives would be a lot simpler if you did," she tells HuffPost Lifestyle.

"Studies suggest one in three marriages in Britain and the US struggle with problems associated with mismatched desire – I’d put that figure a lot higher."

So how can people with 'dead bedroom' syndrome get over their dry spell?

"There’s lots that can be to done to keep both of you sexually and emotionally satisfied," says Tracey.

"But there’s one crucial piece of advice which makes all the difference here: you must stop blaming each other.

"It’s not the low sex drive person’s fault they’re not foaming at the mouth at the sight of a hot underwear advert, and it’s not your fault if you are."

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Things you can do to make your sex life better, according to Tracey Cox:

:: Act on small impulses. There’s new evidence to suggest you’ll never feel desire as strongly as your higher-sexed partner does, which means it’s pointless waiting for it to happen. Have sex at the ‘flicker’ stage, rather than waiting for the fire to develop.

:: Increase your sexual IQ. The more you understand about your body’s desire cycle, the more chance you have of working out what triggers a response.

:: Accept responsibility. While it’s true the person with the low libido is often seen as the ‘cause’ of the problem, it’s also true they tend to set the pace for the amount of sex in the relationship.

:: Keep a sex diary. Write down any erotic thoughts and what triggers them. Keep track of how you’re going with any of the techniques suggested here. The more you know about your responses, the better able you are to manipulate them.

:: Make time for solving the problem. Set aside time for trying things which could work (taking a bath, reading a sexy book).

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