22/04/2016 07:42 BST | Updated 22/04/2017 06:12 BST

On the Road

Car Journeys

My friend James is sprawled across the back seat of the car, he is a grin widening charm pot

currently arranging all the women that he will sleep with this week In relations to his gig locations. He then cancels a date describing the girl as 'too posh to cum' before punching a seal in the face and setting fire to world peace. Dear god, this is my life. Doing actual stand up is only about 10 % of stand up, the rest is admin and car journeys. This cars current topic is a very academic conversation about chuckle fuckers, that's right, the comedy groupie. The conversation turns to my friend's recent acts of sexual terrorism, of which I do not approve.

I'll illustrate my point with a case study, Let's call him sob story Simon. Sob story has been doing 'a bit' about how he is sad and lonely now that his girlfriend has left him. It's a very funny bit, but he has been doing it for a over a year... and he doesn't give a shit that his Mrs left him. However, his finely honed routine has this brilliant effect on the ladies in the audience- who all go

'Ahh poor vulnerable heartbroken funny boy'

(who is also quite fit)

'I know how to cheer him up... crap, where have my knickers gone?'

I'm forever watching my male colleagues take position at the bar post show, all unassuming like In their novelty every man geek t shirt, their attire screaming 'I don't take myself too seriously -Pah fashion, that's for the shallow, I'm sensitive, I'll even spoon you afterwards...not too long mind, I don't want you getting the wrong idea'. Now I would not mind this if I was getting the same deal, but as a lady comic even if you have the best gig of your life the men will never talk to you afterwards. If they do they will try and neg you into submission, forgetting that you are

PROFESSIONALLY better at insults than them...and so they scamper off into the night, tale between legs and you remind yourself that you should stop talking to all men as if they are hecklers.

Well that was the gist of what I said in the car, touting my anthropological assertion that they, 'Men',can't help their patriarchal conditioning - that being funny is considered a tenet of masculinity, and by being funnier than them on a stage you are subconsciously undermining their masculinity hence their passive aggressive post show 'neg'. I glance over at James, he is shaking his head, then he lobs a Malteaser into his mouth, he's heard this all before, but I can't stop myself...I'm like Clarkson near a Mexican gay couple, I ranted on.

'And even if they fancy you they are too frightened to talk to you in case one day, god forbid, you

make fun of their penis on stage. I've seen that look in many a man's eyes. Please don't make fun of my penis, it's all I have, WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT MY PENIS? I'd have to think for myself...'And thus I conclude my rant, how I conclude most of my rants, by making fun of a man's willie.

'That's why Amy! You are too combative,' my terrorist friend informs me. I'd like to dismiss him, but he has had two threesomes this week.

'Combative! I'm a fucking flower, what are you talking about?